"God Bless the Night"

A poem of mine, dug up from my dusty portfolio. I've been inspired to share. Penned in 2008:

"God Bless the Night"
God bless the night
when even our own bodies fail ourselves
And we sleep sick lovers

And dead dreamers

Ended in our fancies

And when each heart is mocked

By its warmth.

Blood may be ruddy and florid

But to see it is to die a little.
--Cheniece S. S.

nic sheff, mon semblable, mon frere!

life.com

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff. you have quickly become one of my admired authors. one of my heroes so swiftly. your memoire had me swooning when i wasn't cringing. you are a literary young man--i hope i do not insult you by noting that you regard my allusion to Mr. T. S. Elliott, however i may have misspelled his iconic name.

i am unapologetic in my signature practice of the utilization of absent capitalizations and arcane spellings. and obsessions with anything worthy. anything beautiful.

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff.
you don't blog anymore publicly. i would have been honoured to snoop some more at:

New Dawn Transmission - Nic Sheff's Journal of Recovery

you are accomplished and published. you are such, SUCH the "beautiful boy" that your father waxes on in pride, nevertheless.
can i flirt with you by saying that i am published as as well? i am a sad young literary woman? my teachers in high school all cried at my graduation (literally and quite audibly enough to ruin my picture) when i announced that i would be pursuing medical school? that i am envisioning myself to be a younger Anne Rice writing creepy semi-fictitious tales from my old hometown in Yazoo City, Mississippi -- full of its witch, ghosts, and walking-dead residents? the history, the names, the graves, the families, the locations... all are emblazoned in my brain from reality, and i'm weaving them into something that my aunt frankly claims will be a "Best-motherfruckin'-Seller!" and i'm pretty. and i'm single. and i don't think it weird of you to think of a young girl's scarred wrists as "hot". i've got scars of my own, but surely the both of of us have grown up some for our own sakes. and yeah, i admit that i know the ways of a drug seizing control of all of my body--in all too familiar of a way that you have gone into detail about in Tweak. i'm only preserving some of my modesty. and flirting. i know Effexor, Seroquel, Lexapro, Klonopin, in-patient stays, dismissals, a broken engagement to be married, despair, and the whirlwind cycle that we are always in and never taming. me for more than half of my 22 year-old life. oh, boy.

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff.
where have you gone? are you alive and well? alive as an artist. a beautiful man? it seems as f you are so imminent and transcendent at the same time, like celebrities are, like God is. but don't listen to me preach to you for one second. because, you know. you hate that sort of thing. and who said that i would be good at it anyway? 

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff.
how tall are you? who do you doubt your attractive appearance? how deep is your voice? can i touch your fun-looking hair? do you like petite, teeny-tiny, intelligent, well-read, discerning, triumphant, victorious young ladies (younger than you) with a taste for the grotesque and the existential with a load of rude adulterations thrown inside? what do you think that we could talk about? i like to imagine that we have walked a road not too far diverged. i like to think that i like boys who are as singularly unique as quirky as i am. boys who won't ever be understood no matter how many pages they pen. i like boys that i know because i know the ways of myself. and i am a Libra with merciless charms and a hopeless inclinations to romance and relations. (or, you know, an email and some correspondence)

did i mention that i am pretty? that i am an ex-Hooters Girl building my life up into something after University gilded and worthy. beauty from the ashes attributing to my stained lungs.aged enough to date you or, just post about my fanship.

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff. mon semblable, mon frere! would that we could talk.... maybe when i am published again, you could shake my hand or give me a hug. maybe i'm going to sit up a little more and wake up now. and when anyone asks me why i'm giggling for no obvious reason, i'll just click my tongue and giggle some more.

would that we could share anything. "everything."

here's hoping to a good Google ranking and your intrigue. i'm a fan. only because i know both value and worth. and isn't it the saying that goes: it takes one to know one? 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nic Sheff | Official Publisher Page

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Being Happy, Feeling Good

 Being Happy, Feeling Good

“Going from Clinical Depression to Having the Midas Touch in Your Regal Life!”

a massive, original article by ♥cherry at RousingVenus.co.cc

(not to be re-sold or used for profit without explicit consent given from the author, cherry, at www.rousingvenus.co.cc)

This is my first article in what is surely to be a series of premium, downloadable content.

(i was originally going to let this go for from $3-$5, but i feel too inspired to share. click "go on" below..) 

raise your glass!

"Speaking of Joy" by Marie Elliott

raise your glass--to yourself!

i was noticing my growing number of followers, and i got put into a dancing mood after commenting over at cassidy's space. she's the newest addition here at our quaint, little club of raving and good feelings. and you truly have a fierce grasp on this whole Life thing, lady cass! go you! everyone else should stop by and leave a bunch of love letters for her, too.

isn't it just lovely that Life can feel SO good? even if you aren't in that place for yourself (yet), you can't help but notice the magick that other people whom you might admire are making in their own lives, and thus believe in the power of truly being Alive and rocking your own existence. woo! it just gets me so much more fired up about being the best woman alive when i see other ladies doing it!

"your life is supposed to feel good. are you allowing it to be so?" 

when i took full responsibility for my experiences in my Life, i felt freedom for the first time. i took upon myself as my only job to be in complete control, not of external conditions, but of my reactions and my emotions. happiness is hardly about circumstances and genetics. it's more about our actions. and if you believe in the Law of Attraction at all, which you should, then this is just compounded and augmented.

"that which is like unto itself is drawn." this is the Law of Attraction/Law of Love. it is the basis of most religions and spiritual beliefs. there is a reason that love has been enthusiastically embraced and faithfully held on to since the beginning of Time itself. and that is because the more you emit love, the better your life becomes. and guess what? you have an unlimited supply of love to give ;-)

imagine this: you have a big wish. you have this one desire, and you absolutely are in love with the idea of it. you dream about it and daydream about it. you imagine what it would be like if it were already yours... and then you get it. haha! this is exactly the way life can work for you--if you know how to harness your latent abilities to go with the flow of the Universal Laws! we can fly in airplanes by not changing gravitational laws, but by working in harmony with them, right? make it your new mission to do the same with love in your own life. you truly can manifest your heart's desire right before your eyes--even in real time--if you are strong and focused enough. this is why i choose to lifestream; it's a method of powering up my good thoughts and feelings and focusing them on what i want, because then the positive pops up into my reality. a majority of the time, my life goes just as i intend it to go because i have trained my mind, and thus, designed my life to bring me my happiness! 

it's simple: spend your time loving things, and what you love is magnified in your life. spend your time resisting love and not allowing it, and you experience negative conditions. this is really the most important thing that i have learned. it's magnetic and pulling. it is real. love is an energy that moves in waves and currents, unseen just like electromagnetism.

and while i currently don't teach the Law of Attraction here at Rousing Venus, i AM a large enthusiast, and i have tons of resources. why not give it a good looking into--if only because it is the key to having everything you want, and creating and living the life of your dreams! imagine infinite joy and all of your wishes coming true. spiritual leaders and founders have taught that our lives can be abundant and blessed because this is a real possibility. an amazing life just doesn't belong to the people that we aspire to be. it can be yours right now--IF you know how to go about acquiring it. it is my business to live this phenomenon in my own life, and to enlighten you on awakening and wielding this latent magickal power of yours. 

• Jessica Mullen (she has such a grasp on manifesting her desires and proves it in her lifestream, and she teaches how to do it for yourself! she even began a School of Life Design for you to complete to more fully know how to wield this latent magickal power of yours!)
• The Secret and The Power (i'm sure that you have heard of these phenomenal books that are sweeping the world for a very, very good reason; it's not such a big "secret!")
• Jetta Vegas  (she also is a Seeker and a good teacher; her blog is full of the proof)

it is a major mission of mine to create for myself the life of my dreams and to feel like the greatest woman alive. and i post with the intention of my readers being encouraged and  finding the emotional resonance within themselves to do the same thing.  

productivity while walking the black dog.

i like smiling.

Sir Winston Churchill really has my heart, as he is noted for not only suffering with depression, but also for being a remarkable person despite still having to do what he called "walking the black dog."

if you know anything about me, there are some things that appear at the forefront: i'm quite tiny. i have a weird attraction to wigs when my real hair can be glamorous. i draw on my eyebrows with expertise. i love animals and books to the extreme. i have tried to dislike the color pink to avoid its connotations and failed time and time again. did i already mention my book collection?.. you should really see it; it really is impressive and pretty cool, too!..

what is also probably the saddest attribute that any living person can unfortunately find themselves expressing is that of depression--and that has been my tragedy for more than half of my life. depression is an umbrella term spanning an entire, gloomy spectrum of what in many cases becomes an all-too-real "disability" even. it really irks me when my own mother wasn't approved for Social Security benefits for her debilitating battle with depression that was handicapping her, and inhibiting her experiencing life. it is very much a "disorder." you cannot just "snap out of it." would someone who is autistic or M.R. be told to just "get over" their mental condition? not at all. and believe you me, i've run the gamut of trying to leave my dark secret behind, trying to forget it, only to be reminded that i am only human, and even if i am wearing Wonder Woman panties, i still need some help from time to time.

the reality here in our time-space experience is that even those afflicted with a mental condition such as depression can find themselves being swept up by the tides of an overwhelming and very consuming force of today's demanding life. the world does not stop turning and rotating, the days just keep coming, opportunities do not wait, and nothing is owed to you, or even offered your way very easily. and those who are not in a healthy state of mind, and who honestly cannot help that about themselves, often find themselves conquered and run over by this bittersweet run of progressing life. it can be so utterly painful that your feelings become even too sore for tears. and i won't even mention the darkest sides of this pain--the places that can lead to self-medicating, drug abuse, self-harm, and suicide. i'll only say that i have been blessed to find myself on the opposite side of this scale for the most part--no matter how much i have found myself hurting. yes, hand clap to myself! APPLAUSE!

and while i still have to work to not succumb to my lurking, dark feelings threatening to pull me under, i've realized that in order to really do this thing called living, i had take full responsibility for my experience here on Earth no matter what hand i have been dealt. i am not the only woman, by far, who has to carry some less-than-splendid loads around with her for much of her life. and in my recognizing this and my pockets being empty from my break from working, i just HAD to get back on the horse. nothing was being handed to me, everyone else had their own crises to contend with, and i had so much that i genuinely wanted to acquire for my life to make it all worthwhile. heh--i was still very sick and i had to get a job, all while walking that black dog of mine.

i had been working full-time (even in high school) because my mother is a disabled nurse who cannot provide as she used to, and because i'm a grown-ass woman who contributes when she can! with my little brothers in school, it's usually me who doing to providing. lots of people don't know this about me! my life is not all magick spells and love stories! it gets quite hard at times... and there are several valuable life lessons that i have learned about staying afloat from my full past of work experience. it has helped me stay afloat not only at different businesses, but also just from the day-to-day pulling of life's currents.

1. the reason people work is largely because they "have to." it's hardly ever falls to what is the easiest, most desirable thing. if you start to look at life as being full of things that you "have to" contend with, then it becomes easier to digest: you "have to" get out of bed and go about doing things. you really "have to" shower and take care of yourself. you "have to" be alive and here right now for whatever worthwhile reasons that keep you going. and it's very important that you find those reasons!
2. it gets easier with practice. remember how good you got at your last job after only a couple of weeks following the routine? remember how nervous you were on your first day compared to your feeling of relaxed expertise that you had later? life works exactly like that to. put in the time and the effort, and your progress will become apparent to you and those around you. and it gets easier, and it gets to feeling good!
3. distractions are lovely. anything to get you out of your mind in such  robotic, monotonous ways is such a relief! at my desk job, i had framed pictures of my family and my dumb-ass friends. i always used a pretty, pink pen. i loved to surround myself with live flowers and bright colors to remind myself of beautiful things which exist in abundance in our wide world, if i only took it upon myself to look. you can do this with the rest of your life too--spruce it up. inject your life with some vitality. we all know that just because you're alive, doesn't mean that you're living. research some new music. buy some chic clothes from the thrift store. start a walking circle in your neighborhood. get in your car and drive around town for no reason other than seeing the scenery outside and to be seen out in the world! i call this phenomenon "ornamenting" you life. light it up like Xmas lights. flash, flash, motherfuckers.
4. it all goes on, and you have to get what you can acquire. at work, it's a paycheck, or a check and tips for me right now. my job doesn't need me or owe me anything, however. i am putting myself in the situation to where i can benefit. i want the money and benefits, so i offer my labour. the job doesn't need me and will go on if i never show my face on there again--i can be replaced. it's rather harsh, but living is a lot like that too. the world's only job is to go on. it doesn't have to shine a ray of light only onto you. if you sleep your life away in bed, the seasons keep coming. there is however some beauty to this which makes for one amazingly bittersweet experience. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. we have all of the power in the world only over ourselves. we can choose to restrain ourselves just as easily as choosing our freedom. we can live while choosing to remain open to the beautiful, wonderful things that life can send in our direction. and the more of this you notice, the more it occurs. we can love as much as we can (which is an infinite amount), and harness the greatest power in the world! this alone, actually, is the purpose of life to many religious groups for plenty good reason. while harnessing love, all of the power in the world belongs to you. the more love you emit, the more your own, personal life is nourished and the more beautiful your own experience becomes. try to make your life as brilliant as it can possibly be... it's all up to you to choose that path--depression, mania, OCD, autism, whatever. now that feels good.

the bottom line is that at the end of it all, what you get out of your experience is only ever up to you. if you have a crappy life, you really can only blame yourself. it is never your parents' or your ex boyfriend's fault. conditions and environments are not your prison. they are a given. make your circumstances a springboard! and if it's any help, think of all of the other people who are on a similar journey and who have not given up, like me! give yourself a reason to smile again. of course the work begins inside, and it truly does get better the more you do it. and doctors and medications do have their very important place in the scheme of things, just as they do with any other condition/ailment/affliction/boo-boo. always be the first to help yourself, and other things follow accordingly. i promise!

love and love and LOVE,

girl love update.

this is a more personal example of girl love/jealousy/nastiness/genuine happiness being played out:

there was a not-so-nice mention of me and my struggle with depression on some girl's blog. she even commented about my thriftiness at staying at the EconoLodge, as if the hotel's name and my wallet didn't confirm it already. here is a blip of her post and my exact comments back.
-----------------------------------------

Here's me thinking, "Shouldn't you have a life by now?"

Seriously, I heard that the "artificial happy" pills work wonders. Of course, I have heard that they make you a little worse before you get any better. Started a new brand maybe? Well, trust me, just stick with it and you'll feel better in no time. You'll see the world through fresh, sane eyes. Maybe - just maybe - you'll even be able to truly move on!

Hmph. Good luck with that.

[...]

The vacation was great! Pretty relaxing to be able to escape the usual for a little while. We were even given a King bed suite upon arrival for no extra charge! French Quarter accommodations really are a far throw from a penny-pincher's Econolodge. Worth every cent I didn't have to pay! [...]

Divulged at 11:20:00 AM

2 Comments:

 ♥cherry. le. fait. said...

i'm glad that you're having fun and are so happy. Gala wrote a great article about 100 percent happiness without nastiness directed to other women. it's really good and not too long:
http://galadarling.com/article/jealousy-is-the-killer-of-girl-love

pay attention to quotes like:
"Similar to the way in which if you’re happy with yourself & your life, you don’t trawl the internet being nasty, if you’re happy & have good self-esteem, you don’t view other girls as competition any more either."
and
"One thing I’ve noticed over the last few years is that if you’re really happy with yourself & your life, or if you become that way after years of self-loathing or misery, the way that you interact with other people & the world around you completely changes."

you have better things to do than be passive aggressive toward me and poking fun at folks with severe depression. you had no reason to be jealous of me and to try to be "better" than me like your email said. that's a sad way to think. depression isn't a joke and you should know it. i struggle with it and i hate myself for letting it be a problem, and it's hardly a subject of jest. it's a full-time job managing it with the help of my doctors and whatever "fake happy" pills that they tell me to take, but i love myself and want to be more productive and able, so i do it.

you will feel so much happier when you stop it. and no one will have a reason to view you as "sad" or whatever. all of your energies should be directed towards positivity in your life and the baby's--not my mental state. that's what's most important. frankly, i can't be concerned with you when i have way too much on my plate already, and it should be the same for you.

you have a wonderful life, a baby coming, school, a man you care about, and lots of duties and promise to immerse yourself in and be happy about. now stop being counterproductive by even thinking about my or any other woman's existence and go be even happier!

May 3, 2009 5:46 PM  

---

 ♥cherry. le. fait. said...

and of course the EconoLodge is cheap! it's in the name and that's why i did it! i was broke. i still am. why is this on your mind?

just an example of how you being silly/nasty is pointless.

you don't have time or a reason to be like that! it's unattractive. be happy that you can do better and BE the better person that you want to be.

good luck. you've got a lot going on and a lot going for you. me and everyone else's lives that are not in direct conflict with yours don't deserve your thoughts, comments, etc.

-----------------------------------------
internet fights and grudges are sad for many reasons, especially when they're pointless. if someone is so happy, why mention things that are so obviously beneath them? she has my ex and his baby and a full life to life. what does her life then have to do with me? i'm the one who has some moving on to do?

maybe it takes some growing out of, but everyone learns lessons at his or her own pace. it's not my problem now.

here's to really moving on and being genuinely happy! the proof is in the way you live your life [or update your blog]!

im dropping out of university! NOT.

NOSY FUCKER. AS IF. I'M NOT LEAVING UNIVERSITY IF IT KILLS ME FIRST. but do continue.
----------------------------------
i'm one of those people who agree and say that "Everyone isn't cut out to do the college thing.." because everyone is NOT. College is just one of those [great] things in life that's destined to not be in at least someone's reality. and after lending a hand, actually both of them , and a comb and some rollers, i can conclude that i'm not cut out for some things, as well. i am NOT going to be good at doing hair. i've had my own hair for all of my life and i can't even part it correctly. turns out that i've been using the wrong part of the comb in the absolutely wrong way.. damn.

and you know what? it feels nice to say that i fail at hair aesthetics with confidence. because i friggin DO and saying it just means that i'm still figuring things out about myself. hell, i suck at hair and prolly alot more stuff if i fully give myself enough time to develop a more full knowledge of all that i can REALLY suck at!

and being in a relationship for a relationship's sake is something i suck at--something i refuse to do with everything inside of me. and me being the goofy, almost preteen teenybopper studying an *Nsync poster that i am when it comes to matters of the heart, makes it difficult for me to not compromise and do that. what i am doing, the example of my life, Quirkyalone.net has put into the title of a book, Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics. well, whaddya know?

i don't feel badly about my decision, about my reasoning and logic. it gives me such a dynamic and meaningful journey to go on. and this isn't the type of journey i'm undertaking because of duty, because it is cool, because i have twists in my hair and because i would look cool doing this and it will build my "status" in someone else's world. haha, i'm still a smartass. no, this is something full of real substance that hopefully i can understand in time, or at least learn to appreciate and traverse with grace while my hair looks like the mop that it does.

aw, man. i just saw Garden State again two nights ago. i LOVE that movie. maybe because braff's character is figuring out is own life while he is off his antidepressants. i know how THAT goes! someone who has a house, please let's have a movie night in my honor while we watch a weird one that actually MEANS something! there has to be more meaning these days!

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, but adieu.

phantom pheromones

iVillage is genius, i promise and can defend proudly. i everything but worship the articles because i have no common sense and insight into this ever pleasant transience. witness how "duh" this particular article appears:

Email's a nice place to start. It's less embarrassing than a phone call, you don't have to think on your feet, and you can get a trusted friend to read it before you send it to make sure you've struck the right tone. I'd send a cheery, it-was-so-nice-to-see-you type of email, simply thanking him for making a nice day even more special. If the reply is nice and it's obvious he enjoyed your company too, send one back pretty quickly.

wow, i am not in touch to the ways of my sex, at all. i am a failed woman.

i hope this works. i'm experiencing a dry spell relative to college norms. momma wants me to find my husband. if he's beautiful, he just is. life is transient, like the feelings i probably don't really mean for anyone. go after it; chase it like you would as if in dreaming, where there are no witnesses.

i want Real beauty for myself. i want Substance to marvel at because it won't get boring as my face does.