"God Bless the Night"

A poem of mine, dug up from my dusty portfolio. I've been inspired to share. Penned in 2008:

"God Bless the Night"
God bless the night
when even our own bodies fail ourselves
And we sleep sick lovers

And dead dreamers

Ended in our fancies

And when each heart is mocked

By its warmth.

Blood may be ruddy and florid

But to see it is to die a little.
--Cheniece S. S.

roundup.

i'm NOT dead. in fact, i've been busy and wearing my Wonder Woman gear: lasso, invisible jet, funk band playing my theme song...

"aww, Cherry! you change men like you do with your underwear!"
actually, sometimes i don't even wear under things.

my snail mail to him: here's No. 2

shock value: Mein Kampf

HOT, right?

.

the storms totally tore through the South. it's as if we can't catch a break! my old town is all BUT leveled, but my friends have high spirits and strength. i've been praying like no other time.

Yaya is a slut and got pregnant. she delivered seven babies March 30th. someone is driving down from Lexington today to pick up one of the little buggers for adoption in response to a craigslist ad of mine. we simply have no extra room for so many more pets! and that's saying something because i live out in the country on three acres of land, surrounded by trees and ponds. it's bittersweet, but Yaya has to remain my main baby. i'm keeping one of her puppies; I've named her Dixie Diamond, the jewel of the South. kawaii!

my undies!

oh! and Nic Sheff has been ALL over my mind. here he is in the bookstore where I work (and play):

gosh, i'd love to meet him. all the more reason to finish MY novel.

YES: i'm studying for the MCAT AND writing a book at the same time...

also, just have to say how proud i am of LIZ! you go, you! you are such a beautiful and powerful force! i would definitely vote for you and rig the votes (if this was a National election and i was managing Florida's ballots).

i'll make a proper return. this roundup stands only to prove that i am alive and well. speaking of which, the Osama bin Laden news couldn't be more major and difficult to fully absorb at once!..

i'll get back to y'all, all of my dear friends, SOON.

i read nic sheff. or whatever.

(a very pretty) nic sheff enthusiast.

i TOTALLY got the bookstore job. Books A Million is awesome! and they let me rent books by all of my favorite authors for free. i am way too pleased to display evidence of my appreciation for all things nic sheff. can't wait to give Tweak a rest and tear through We All Fall Down (well, i actually can't tear it; it's supposed to remain in sell able condition--although i'll more than likely end up purchasing it.). i love you, nic sheff! you are a Beautiful Boy and one of my favorite contemporary authors (and at such an age!)! Congratulations from a similar. Love yourself and keep pouring it out into your progress. i'm becoming like his unofficial promoter...

nic sheff, mon semblable, mon frere!

life.com

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff. you have quickly become one of my admired authors. one of my heroes so swiftly. your memoire had me swooning when i wasn't cringing. you are a literary young man--i hope i do not insult you by noting that you regard my allusion to Mr. T. S. Elliott, however i may have misspelled his iconic name.

i am unapologetic in my signature practice of the utilization of absent capitalizations and arcane spellings. and obsessions with anything worthy. anything beautiful.

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff.
you don't blog anymore publicly. i would have been honoured to snoop some more at:

New Dawn Transmission - Nic Sheff's Journal of Recovery

you are accomplished and published. you are such, SUCH the "beautiful boy" that your father waxes on in pride, nevertheless.
can i flirt with you by saying that i am published as as well? i am a sad young literary woman? my teachers in high school all cried at my graduation (literally and quite audibly enough to ruin my picture) when i announced that i would be pursuing medical school? that i am envisioning myself to be a younger Anne Rice writing creepy semi-fictitious tales from my old hometown in Yazoo City, Mississippi -- full of its witch, ghosts, and walking-dead residents? the history, the names, the graves, the families, the locations... all are emblazoned in my brain from reality, and i'm weaving them into something that my aunt frankly claims will be a "Best-motherfruckin'-Seller!" and i'm pretty. and i'm single. and i don't think it weird of you to think of a young girl's scarred wrists as "hot". i've got scars of my own, but surely the both of of us have grown up some for our own sakes. and yeah, i admit that i know the ways of a drug seizing control of all of my body--in all too familiar of a way that you have gone into detail about in Tweak. i'm only preserving some of my modesty. and flirting. i know Effexor, Seroquel, Lexapro, Klonopin, in-patient stays, dismissals, a broken engagement to be married, despair, and the whirlwind cycle that we are always in and never taming. me for more than half of my 22 year-old life. oh, boy.

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff.
where have you gone? are you alive and well? alive as an artist. a beautiful man? it seems as f you are so imminent and transcendent at the same time, like celebrities are, like God is. but don't listen to me preach to you for one second. because, you know. you hate that sort of thing. and who said that i would be good at it anyway? 

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff.
how tall are you? who do you doubt your attractive appearance? how deep is your voice? can i touch your fun-looking hair? do you like petite, teeny-tiny, intelligent, well-read, discerning, triumphant, victorious young ladies (younger than you) with a taste for the grotesque and the existential with a load of rude adulterations thrown inside? what do you think that we could talk about? i like to imagine that we have walked a road not too far diverged. i like to think that i like boys who are as singularly unique as quirky as i am. boys who won't ever be understood no matter how many pages they pen. i like boys that i know because i know the ways of myself. and i am a Libra with merciless charms and a hopeless inclinations to romance and relations. (or, you know, an email and some correspondence)

did i mention that i am pretty? that i am an ex-Hooters Girl building my life up into something after University gilded and worthy. beauty from the ashes attributing to my stained lungs.aged enough to date you or, just post about my fanship.

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff. mon semblable, mon frere! would that we could talk.... maybe when i am published again, you could shake my hand or give me a hug. maybe i'm going to sit up a little more and wake up now. and when anyone asks me why i'm giggling for no obvious reason, i'll just click my tongue and giggle some more.

would that we could share anything. "everything."

here's hoping to a good Google ranking and your intrigue. i'm a fan. only because i know both value and worth. and isn't it the saying that goes: it takes one to know one? 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nic Sheff | Official Publisher Page

tweak by nic sheff

Nic Sheff (Nic Sheff) on Myspace

Nic Sheff / Tweak | Facebook 

Nic Sheff, David Sheff Talk About Life After Meth Addiction

Relapse a constant threat, 'Tweak' author says - CNN

Talk and Signing with Nic Sheff, bestselling author of Tweak

Amazon.com: Nic Sheff: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, Kindle

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Images

quick note while onwards to Damascus. hiatus.

i broke up with my ex. but don't go, "Woah!" like Liz did following my Facebook update! it was a decision i gladly made, and it earned me a lot of deserved relief. turns out: i'm not a "true" Christian (even though he had no qualms with me wanting sex from him and getting it whenever i wanted it--the hypocrite), he cannot see me successfully raising any kids of his that I might have (regardless of whether i even entertained such a zany notion as getting pregnant by him! i'm 22 with no babies--i'm a pro at preventing unwanted pregnancies), AND he can't imagine a future with me because of my active disobedience to the Word of God within the Bible as the sole grounds of all morality. sounds to ME as if MY EX has a complex in which he believes HIMSELF to be the authority of all Christian morality, despite his fallen state as a sinner who is only made right in God's eyesight through the sacrifice of Jesus as Lord and Saviour. "You are not superior, you can be wrong (and ARE a hypocrite for gladly letting me fuck you into the next month whenever I felt the urge rise within me, and then go about Bible-raving), and you are NOT God Themselves in all of Their Infinite Wisdom! you don't know everything of the Word of God because it all cannot be revealed to us, and who says that YOUR WAY is THE WAY? even a "sucky" Christian like me recognizes this!

he even went so far and insulted my choice in Christian Living literature (i can't win for losing, and all my efforts to seek God are STILL sucky and inferior in my ex's eyes)! he says that there is a serious flaw to Joyce Meyer's teachings, which is why the Christian bookstore uptown doesn't carry any of her published works. PLUS, he won't even stand within a 3-foot radius of anything relating to "New Age" or "New Thought" because it is against God. that's funny, because every New Age book i've purchased talks extensively about how good and powerful God is. in fact, the popular book, The Secret quotes Jesus extensively to support its content! no goat heads and devil horns ANYWHERE. and in my defense, i owned my Joyce Meyer Christian Living book, Start Your New Life Today, waaaaay before I first began to research and study anything related to the "New Age/New Thought" movement. but, hey. i don't consider him as a loss. who knew that i could irrevocably lose all of my religion and salvation by reading teachings from Gandhi and Jesus (whose knowledge isn't very NEW, at ALL) all while not submitting myself to any deity or "god?" i could have sworn that God was with me the entire time that i was reading chapters on learning how to generate more positive energy and spread more Love. hmmm...

anyway, my blog/lifestream is on a HIATUS. i'm listening to my doctor in the process of continuing my progress, growth, and strength during my treatment, by taking a sabbatical of sorts. i wonder what will be revealed unto me while i am actively traveling my own, personal road to "Damascus." 


catch up with all of y'all wonderful things soon. keep me in my mind, maybe even say a little prayer for my benefit and well-being (or just for more of my smiles)! i SHALL return. i always do!

Biloxi Beach!

Me and Dad LOVE Steven Tyler!

AWWW! My Mommy rocks my socks!

!!!!__________________________________________!!!!

PLUS, while out randomly at a bookstore for my favorite type of retail therapy and to sate my one, true addiction, i spoke something into existence: i was covered in the infallible armor of my Positive Energy and High Vibrations which move and breathe immensely forceful like pure, untamed FIRE, and i confidently spoke from my Spirit, my Inner Being which knows only good and all truth and said, "Momma, something very good is going to happen today."

as I exactly visualized and intended in operation of the powerful Law of Attraction, the barista manager said that Books A Million indeed needed help in the barista as well as on the floor as a bookseller! not only this, but the store's top General Manager (the hiring manager) happened to come in, and the barista manager found him and introduced me to him! i shook both of their hands, gave them my phone number, etc. the GM was pleased with my nature of being an accomplished and avid reader, and with my well-rounded experience of work in retail, customer service, etc. he seemed to be very interested in what my (brag) padded and impressive resume could offer the needy Books A Million staff, and i complimented him on the store's high-quality customer service and pleasant experiences that i had received during the past decade, or so, during my loyal and frequent visits to that particular bookstore, and how some of the associates know me by name because i'm in there every week. i even name-dropped and confessed which employee was the one who suggested that I pay the $20 fee to become a card-carrying Millionaire's Member for the coveted and well-appreciated and frequently-applied discount (along with the sweet tote bag and other swag, coupons, etc). the manager smiled and laughed with me in the presence and under the influence of my Libran. he ACTUALLY interviewed me ON THE SPOT, right there in the manga section, and gave me the instructions to the application process and told me what to look out for inside the online assessment to make the best presentation of myself. he gave me special hints!

i called the store back today to speak with the hiring manager. i called him by his name, and called me by my own in a very friendly, warm, and familiar fashion because he immediately remembered the pleasant first impression he gained from me. i alerted him that i had completed both available applications online, attached my resumé, and submitted them both. he then said that he would set up an interview for Monday or Tuesday, and that he would accordingly call me and be in contact with me then. HOW EXCITING!!!! 

i spoke something good into existence; i wasn't particular. i only had complete confidence and faith that such a thing would indeed occur. and THEN i get offered the very coveted job of my dreams by what appears to be "random chance!" but i know that i manifested by working the powerful Law of Attraction in my favor. i'm keeping my fingers crossed and praying that i land this position. the managers were very clear about their need for help, so it's quite possible that the job could be mine! i can already imagine: me, surrounded by books, talking about books, touching books, selling books, promoting books, suggesting books, books, BOOKS--and getting paid for this "labour!"

keep your own fingers crossed and say a prayer for me, wherever you are whenever you can! 


Big Love Your Ways -- xoxo

well, i've got somethin' to say!

i killed a pit bull the other day!

(don't read any further if you cannot tolerate the details of graphical reference to open surgical wounds, violence against attacking animals, gore, guns, saws, and Tough Ladies with not one, but TWO firearms) 

truly not as bad as it appears. she's watching TV right now.

i rushed outside to find my baby girl, YaYa, down and caught at her neck by the jaws of an evil pit bull bitch that we had been fostering from the threshold of death for the past few months. when a pit's jaws clamp down, NO force can pry them open. the pit has to relax before the jaws release. i heard YaYa crying in pain with her eyes going red. i could only imagine the damage to her jugular and i wouldn't let MY baby die--without the responsible one dying FIRST.

i tried to break up the fight with my words. i reached my bare hands inside and tried to pry open the great, slobbering jaws of the pit, but they didn't budge. i put a pole in the pit's jaws and used my weight into my foot as a lever in attempt to pry the jaws from YaYa's neck. i went and got the rifle from my uncle's bedroom to shoot the bitch in the head and get it all over with nice and quick. there were no rounds for the chamber, and the damned thing was jammed anyway. useless. i went and got my brother's .22 pistol to take some head shots at the pit to get her off. there were no bullets. WHY DOES NO GUN IN MY REDNECK COUNTRY MANOR OF A HOME HAVE ANY AMMUNITION?! i spied a saw in the garage where the fight was still raging. YaYa sounded awfully hurt, damaged, and in unbearable pain. i pressed a button, but the saw wouldn't run. i had had enough by now. i was going to end this violently and with all of the aggression, anger, hate, desperation, determination, and crazed drive to kill that i could muster in me at the moment (and boy was it a lot). little, ole me, saw in hand, reached way back overhead and brought the deadly sharp blades of the saw down cracking into the pit bulls skull. i'm telling you, the skull audibly had been cracked quite impressively. and i didn't stop. i kept hacking with all of my blood-lusty might and every bit of force and strength to drive the saw's blades harder and deeper down into the head of the attacking dog. fur flew from my blows, blood spewed and spurted from fatal stabs down into the dog's own brain. i shortly saw the pit bull's eyes go dim and roll back into her head as she was losing consciousness and life. her jaws slacked and it was just enough for my YaYa to split and dart inside of the house for cover. i stayed outside. with the saw. i hacked down the dog's head into a broken and bleeding nightmare. i was met with wet, gushing sounds of pulp splitting, and the sounds of skeletal stability being ruined. i reached back way overhead and made quick work of mutilating the head of my former pet. she went still with blood pouring from her misshapen eyes in her gruesomely and warped shape of what was remaining of her cranium. i hacked at her neck over and over and grunted as i partially decapitated her. i stabbed her with the saw. i heard her whimpering in the throes of her being currently murder, so i kept hacking at what was becoming a flattened stretch of bits of loose fur, bloody flesh, innards, and large pools of bright red blood.

when Animal Control arrived, the wagged their finger at me for using two guns that were not registered to me, but chucked when i told them the damned rifle was jammed anyway and i couldn't find any fucking rounds or bullets anywhere! the Sheriff pulled the cigarette that i was smoking out of my mouth and threw it away directly. "I used to smoke like a train; you ought to stop that early on, you know, little miss.!" the Sheriff and the accompanying cop laughed at my accomplishment and called me a "Tough Lady." they removed the remains and mess from my garage and suggested that i buy myself a nice, new rifle to register to myself. i'm going to comply with that.

YaYa is fine. her wound is still open. she had a drain sutured in during her surgery. God is good and let me save my puppy's life, because her jugular was completely unharmed, and the skin there is alive and will heal, so there's no need for a risky future surgery to separate her flesh and muscle from the organ in attempts to save it. she has five prescriptions: a pain reliever, a sedative, an antibiotic tablet for twice a day, a spray-on steroid for healing and cleaning, and a spray-on aluminum bandage. it makes her all shiny, and i've been calling her "Silver" for the past couple of days. she's antsy to no surprise of mine, so i had to also purchase a muzzle to strap onto her snout after her sedative calms her down in order to apply her daily sprays to the wounded areas without risking some painful bites. i've even mastered the art of using a leash effectively to lasso around her middle (she has no neck suitable for a collar to go around), for walks and such. i love my baby YaYa. we take our medicine at the same time together, and both of our mix of medications has increased our appetites. she has been my partner for several midnight snacks and second lunches and the like. she, with her sparkly silver aluminum bandage sprayed onto her neck and her surgically inserted drainage tool, is lying on Momma's (my) bed right now suffering no pain, just the annoyance with her plastic drainage tool getting in her face and pissing her off. she's content and tiredly loving my pets and rubs. she kisses me in the mouth as she has always done. she still rushes at my two cats just to knock them over when they invade her territory (she's still a spoiled, Tough bitch). she's my baby. and she's alive.
(end of my Amazonian warrior woman blood-lust attack of rage with multiple weapons tale that i like to brag about)

• oh, and my dearest "Claytoris" and i are having so much fun together:

• and look at my new calendar! it's March (for me, and for you, and for Kagome, and for InuYasha in Feudal Japan)!

any InuYasha nerds besides yours truly?

• and this is my second mention of this awesomeness! i have a brand-new and fully functional Google Voice Number!

absolutely without charge (unless you happen to be International, outside of the USA) and with all of the freedom and familiarity as with any other telephone, you may call me to chat, listen to my charming, thick accent during my voicemail greeting, leave me a silly voicemail message laughing about said thick-ish Southern accent, and even send me an SMS txt message! if not connecting to me via the widget, then the number directly to my line is: (601) 871-0635 ahhh! exciting and SO cool! cookies to the one who leaves the funniest voicemail or txt message! 

!!!squeal!!!

Violently Happy Evidence: cherry and her Mister S.

My Handsome Mister S.

did i ever actually relay to anyone in particular just how i am convinced that my boyfriend manfriend Hung the Moon?

how sweet it was (and IS still)!

any man deserving of my considerations, reconsiderations, explanations, and, yes--even apologies summoning up a pain in self-reflection and a ghosting of grieved desperation (and there have been so, so, SO few of these males that i have chanced upon encountering) is special.

Hot Clay.

un-ornamented (and a bit ill)

i am still enjoying my brand-new, first-time-in-my-life dangerous and short real hair. i am known for wearing a choice from my unhidden. brazen collection of beautiful wigs when i am feeling rushed, or when i draw a blank during my routine styling. Meet Bob, some of you for the first time. a couple of months ago, my tresses were whacked off so short, that the ends curled under at my cheeks and didn't fall to my neck. NOW, after my regimen of multivitamins, DHEA, Doc's orders, and a more wholesome lifestyle all around, i find my real hair touching my shoulders in a longer fashion of bob. i even crafted some blonde streaks (oh, you know me) upon some small hair combs in long, flattering layers to place at the front, framing my face. the extensions are human hair and are entirely genuine-looking. i don't apologize for looking tired and ill in the photo. and i wasn't wearing any makeup (but Clayton thinks that i look especially beautiful in this way).

i'm a lucky, smiling lady. longer, grown-out bob with blonde streaks and an 8 years-older 30 years-old manfriend (who will be 31 to my 22 years in only two months) included.

that is all.

Happy V Day!

oh, Happy Valentine's Day! Love and love and LOVE xoxo

love yourselves with abandon. love yourselves mercilessly and aggressively. DO NOT watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind! daydream. smile often. wear a sun dress to lounge around your home in. wear glittery eyeliner. take very good care of yourself. and feel VERY good, and be thankful as things fall into place all around you.

xoxo

my grand adventure.

today is one of those mornings that wrap me in magically twinkling stars and sends me going on in awe. gaping fish-face at the overwhelming good that i am wondering about.

it feels so good to feel good, to have it confirmed that no matter what pace i go, i am heading in the right direction (which is truly saying something, because i am terrible at remembering directions. i get lost just driving home all of the time.)

i 've made some friends along this crazy adventure of mine. it's easy to love people when your spirits have a strong accord. it's easy to either say or not say that you are a mental patient with the appropriate respective conviction. it's easy to listen to Train (so glad that this band came back so strongly!) or the Goo Goo Dolls alone in the early, early morning.

"So darling, what you are discovering, is that older, sophisticated, handsome, humorous and charming gentlemen, are more effective than Prozac or Effexor."

 heh, oh yes. i really do terribly muchly so like this sort of man a lot. and i'm liking myself a lot more these days, too--not that i was lacking in said department. i'm hopelessly dedicated to myself until my dying day.

faith is such a blissful word. my feelings right now are such blissful feelings. today will follow accordingly because it must. and i'm going to rise up to meet it.

perving: nocturnal emission.

i LOVE Google. i just do. Mate Kamaras looks like my theatrical blonde vampire husband from my smutty romantic musical fantasies. and, yeah--he does resemble my ex fiance. so he's ALL my type. i am equally distracted by his pants in the front and by his pants in the back. i'd ask Santa to put him under my Christmas tree, but i'd settle for any pine tree, or oak. or just about anywhere.


gotta love Rocky Horror tunes. i'm just a sweet transvestite! again: pants in the front, pants in the back. he might be gay as a maypole and a three-dollar bill, but he's still male, which is all it takes for me to perve. and he's wiggling his ass. please, God, LET HIM.


mmmmm... wait, i have to actually DO things and be involved in shit today? what is this that you speak of, this "being productive?"

HUGE TALENT; i like.

 that being said, he should totally play as Lestat in a movie or musical, or the like. he's beautiful. and he better not encounter me in a dark alley. i'm voted "Most Likely to be Arrested for Rape" among my friends.

rampage of appreciation.

i am SO happy that my MiMaw is home from the hospital! i am so happy that her party today involved so much good food. i am so happy that i ate cake until my tooth hurt, not that it takes much for that to happen. i am so happy that my puppy rode in the car with me today.

i am so happy that i effing finished writing the Prologue to my book! woo! it's a nice feeling to stick with something this time. i've been writing a number of spheres for years. but now that i'm becoming a Big Girl, i'm getting better at getting my desires to take shape into my life. SO proud of myself. i have earned a whole lot more good things to come my way--and they WILL (because i said so, damnit)!

i like that i'm such a force to behold. i like that my brother's girlfriend invited me to read her blog. i like that people take the time to let me know when they appreciate me. i like being able to say how much i appreciate someone else (you guys). i like cursing for shock value. i just like cursing for no reason at all usually. i like the friends that i've made who have mental illness. i like having friends who can never judge me about the "flaw" in me that i cannot help. i like not being a prisoner to anything. i like the relationship i have with my mother. i like my doctor (most of the time)! i like writing pages and pages and pages easily with not an ounce of coffee and calling in my "Prologue," when in fact, it's longer than some actual chapters. i like being motivated to do things. i like following my inspiration to do something and watching it unfold magnificently. it HAS to.

not nearly dead.

i'm not dead, my loves--my doves.
rather, i've been a little human, and have fallen to being completely dull and uninspired.

until now that is!
breakups cannot stop me! car wrecks have not killed me! even having cramps will only slow me down for a couple of days... i'm immensely powerful!
and i'm busier now that i've taken the time to work on my book. imagine this: excuses to travel to Yazoo City for sight-seeing disguised as "research." easy $60 in gas last week already.

i'll be back and better than before, as goes the way with progression. give it time. i'm giving Myself time... "One heartbeat, at a time."

can't wait to catch up with you all via your respective blogs and such. be expecting a load of love and comments coming from me in your direction over the next couple of days (or so).

xoxo

random web development nocturnal emissions.

this is more for my reasoning and decision-making. but if you've been thinking about moving to your own free domain, then it's worth a looking into.

i love being fancy and progressive, so i readily housed my dear blog/lifestream at a TLD--a dot.tk. dot.tk has been around for ages, and i have used their services to rename my various projects to somethingwickedcoolivecreated.tk and the like. i love it. it's free. what's not to love?

the only thing is that you must manage to acquire at least 25 hits per three months at your new and lovely dot.tk domain. frankly and without desiring to appear like a brag (for once), this has never been hard for me to do. in fact, if i wasn't getting, or planning to get, such hits, i probably wouldn't bother with owning a domain.

at dot.tk, i have full DNS control, which only means that i get myname.tk, plus me@myname.tk email addresses, subdomains, etc. i'm thinking of paying $20 to legally own the domain and to preserve it for two years, which is not at all bad.

but, hey--co.cc does the same thing freely. as in free. no renewal fees. completely easy to understand. and get this--NO MINIMUM TRAFFIC REQUIREMENTS. it's one less thing to consider, which i completely support. you get ALL of the same perks, a domain (not a top-level one, but still very impressive appearing), email, subdomains (think about how much your friends would love for you to host them at your domain and give them a subdomain of yours!--www.yourfriend.yourdomain.co.cc), full legal rights (which dot.tk doesn't give freely), no forced ads or favicons... it's just great really.

this has been my experience with what i truly consider to be the best free methods of owning your own domain out there. with both places, you can fancily establish your web presence in a way that demands more respect, add your own favicon that shows up in bookmarks and in the address bar like i have done (see me up there?), you can truly have fun with taking the creation of your web presence to the next level.

i'm Libran, and i have an awful time with decisions. i can never make up my mind. but don't be surprised if i announce my relocation to "myawesomeblog.co.cc" soon. and i encourage anyone who is interested to consider moving to their own domains as well, even if only for the reason that it is just SO much fun to do. i'll answer any questions and offer any suggestions to you along the way. when have i ever steered you wrongly? ;-)

vibrational conditioning session.

i am going to do the homework necessary to my journey. i am going to put in the effortless labour necessary to condition and raise my emitted vibrations! i am NOT going to freak all out because classes resume tomorrow AND i have to work the night shift at the restaurant. hmph. i should probably repeat that last statement out loud a few times...

i adore having my own, little domain to call home! it's so cool that it has an unusual and uncommon suffix! i like being unique and memorable. i like having a place to design my sanctuary. i like remembering and more fully coming into being my higher, greater self!

i like pretty men! i like gorgeous MEN! i love large forearms. i like blue eyes. i like pale skin. i like tallness. i like blonde hair. i especially love blonde hair when i'm wearing it. i like that i change up my appearance so often! and now i'm returning to my love for beautiful men. i love Billy Idol, Vergil Sparda, Gabriel Aubry, Michael Jackson, Legolas, Ville Valo, i could wax forever like a pervert. i love that i am such a big pervert! i love that i am shameless about my kinks, i mean, my quirks!

i love my mommy. i love it that she is bringing my big, grown ass some hot food to eat because i have a cold! i love that i am putting my depression behind me and continuing to pay money that i don't have to finish university! i love feeling proud of myself! i love studying science and being enthralled humbled by infinite knowledge. 

i love reading. i love romance. i love that i deleted my online dating profile because i refuse to give my attention to an absence of Love in my life! i love it that there is absolutely NO absence of Love in my life! there is never an absence of Love anywhere! we can all Allow as much of it as we would have into our lives! i like making it my mission to simply BE Love and into Allow it to filter into my experience freely, uninhibited, like a flood, and abundantly. open the floodgates!

i love making money at my job to do, be, and to have the things that i Love! i love it that i truly AM the very best waitress you know.

i love that saying Thank You just ensures that i have even more to be thankful for later! i love feeling good! i love being in the Flow! i love it that things always fall perfectly into place and into perfect order when i do my only job. and my only job is to feel good! i love that i am not held apart from ANYTHING. i love letting myself become the greatest woman alive!

there! that felt SO good! my emotional conditioning homework always sends me on my way smiling and giggling. it's been a while since i have taken the time to line up my energies because i have been more focused on publishing viewer content. but i cannot forget that i am absolutely no true use to anyone if i am not centered   in being my best! who can stop me now? heh. only me. but not today! and not tomorrow, either! i am totally intending to not inhibit myself tomorrow, either! it is SO important to stand before the colossal scales of infinite Life experience and to tip them in favor of my bliss... you should do this yourself at the appropriate time. try tomorrow morning to start with... i do it several times a day, and 9 times out of 10, my life goes exactly according to my intentions! how badass am i?! no, truly--flatter me and finish making my night, darling ;-D

i love being shameless about the hot men i have dated (and water-
colored in their apartment with). yeah. he's a bit older. and a doctor.

positively pulling...

ohmygosh! 

i keep eyeing my Followers gadget in my sidebar to the right, and i get startled and SO thrilled each time i find myself welcoming and reading the latest posts by another new friend of mine! it feels so good to make the friends that i have always wanted to make. it is so lovely for the things of my desires to be drawn unto me effortlessly... thank you, to all of my Loves--my followers. Liz, Kim, Jayla, Cass, etc (don't you dare fight each other, you are listed in no particular order). you truly are the raddest people on the planet. and thank you to the Universe for moving things into place for my benefit and for the benefit of those in my life! i get a kick out of just looking around and witnessing my magickal, positive vibrations rubbing off and transferring themselves to my friends and making big moves in the name of Love, Power, and Magick.

stick with me, and who knows what we may accomplish!

sxc.hu

i fell in love with some prose penned by one of my blogger friends, Jayla, just today. i know that i'm supposed to be waiting for her consent to share her work, but i can't fight my urge to let it flow from her, to me, and to you:

"Burst" by Jayla

I feel like I'm going to burst, because I need you

I'm not sure who you are, but I need to know soon

The waiting can't get any longer, and the temptations grow stronger each day.

Why can't they understand that I am no longer a baby, but a young woman with true feelings.

I feel like I will burst any minute, I am so filled with love, yet no one to share it with.

And when I am finally able to release that love, I don't think I'll be able to stop.

isn't that just so nice to read? it feels like being at the brink of falling upon the greatest adventure of her life so far! this hobbit does indeed go on adventures, and she could not be afraid of old, white-haired wizards coming to her door with mischief up their long sleeves. i'm a huge nerd, yes. i can completely envision Bilbo Baggins' round, little green door to his home, with a golden doorknob directly in its centre... i can photographically recall blocks of my favorite literature from memory at the appropriate moments. it is one of my quirks that i absolutely LOVE! hmmm... watching LOTR, or re-reading some of the trilogy, should be added to my agenda today. i feel inspired to get that done!

and i got the best Thank You email, ever, just yesterday from an amazing blogger whom i know in real life after i gave some of my most loving and helpful advice to her:

oh my word! I don’t even know where to begin!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! for the links, the advice, and especially the Love. Your email sat a smile on my face and a joy in my heart that nearly kept me awake all night. I’m violently eager to swan-dive into all these opportunities and even more to offer my wares to you.

So thank you for opening the door! And for your elaborate research into this Law of Attraction and other keys to Divinity. Your investigations are always so thorough and your zeal is sincere. I can totally tell!

that's Ka...--oops! i mean, Estera Star for you people! and she's quite the progressive and entertaining webmistress herself. she has a load of projects that she currently manages, and they're just great!

haha! i'm giggling because this post has taken up its own agenda and become an introduction/meet-up of sorts of my coolest friends. but it's bursting with good feelings pulling more good feelings unto itself. this is all that matters, really. it's the point of anything worthwhile. we all really only should be focusing on feeling our best so that we can then fully come into being our best.

"Through your ability to think and feel, you have dominion over all Creation." -- Neville Goddard, New Thought Author

productivity while walking the black dog.

i like smiling.

Sir Winston Churchill really has my heart, as he is noted for not only suffering with depression, but also for being a remarkable person despite still having to do what he called "walking the black dog."

if you know anything about me, there are some things that appear at the forefront: i'm quite tiny. i have a weird attraction to wigs when my real hair can be glamorous. i draw on my eyebrows with expertise. i love animals and books to the extreme. i have tried to dislike the color pink to avoid its connotations and failed time and time again. did i already mention my book collection?.. you should really see it; it really is impressive and pretty cool, too!..

what is also probably the saddest attribute that any living person can unfortunately find themselves expressing is that of depression--and that has been my tragedy for more than half of my life. depression is an umbrella term spanning an entire, gloomy spectrum of what in many cases becomes an all-too-real "disability" even. it really irks me when my own mother wasn't approved for Social Security benefits for her debilitating battle with depression that was handicapping her, and inhibiting her experiencing life. it is very much a "disorder." you cannot just "snap out of it." would someone who is autistic or M.R. be told to just "get over" their mental condition? not at all. and believe you me, i've run the gamut of trying to leave my dark secret behind, trying to forget it, only to be reminded that i am only human, and even if i am wearing Wonder Woman panties, i still need some help from time to time.

the reality here in our time-space experience is that even those afflicted with a mental condition such as depression can find themselves being swept up by the tides of an overwhelming and very consuming force of today's demanding life. the world does not stop turning and rotating, the days just keep coming, opportunities do not wait, and nothing is owed to you, or even offered your way very easily. and those who are not in a healthy state of mind, and who honestly cannot help that about themselves, often find themselves conquered and run over by this bittersweet run of progressing life. it can be so utterly painful that your feelings become even too sore for tears. and i won't even mention the darkest sides of this pain--the places that can lead to self-medicating, drug abuse, self-harm, and suicide. i'll only say that i have been blessed to find myself on the opposite side of this scale for the most part--no matter how much i have found myself hurting. yes, hand clap to myself! APPLAUSE!

and while i still have to work to not succumb to my lurking, dark feelings threatening to pull me under, i've realized that in order to really do this thing called living, i had take full responsibility for my experience here on Earth no matter what hand i have been dealt. i am not the only woman, by far, who has to carry some less-than-splendid loads around with her for much of her life. and in my recognizing this and my pockets being empty from my break from working, i just HAD to get back on the horse. nothing was being handed to me, everyone else had their own crises to contend with, and i had so much that i genuinely wanted to acquire for my life to make it all worthwhile. heh--i was still very sick and i had to get a job, all while walking that black dog of mine.

i had been working full-time (even in high school) because my mother is a disabled nurse who cannot provide as she used to, and because i'm a grown-ass woman who contributes when she can! with my little brothers in school, it's usually me who doing to providing. lots of people don't know this about me! my life is not all magick spells and love stories! it gets quite hard at times... and there are several valuable life lessons that i have learned about staying afloat from my full past of work experience. it has helped me stay afloat not only at different businesses, but also just from the day-to-day pulling of life's currents.

1. the reason people work is largely because they "have to." it's hardly ever falls to what is the easiest, most desirable thing. if you start to look at life as being full of things that you "have to" contend with, then it becomes easier to digest: you "have to" get out of bed and go about doing things. you really "have to" shower and take care of yourself. you "have to" be alive and here right now for whatever worthwhile reasons that keep you going. and it's very important that you find those reasons!
2. it gets easier with practice. remember how good you got at your last job after only a couple of weeks following the routine? remember how nervous you were on your first day compared to your feeling of relaxed expertise that you had later? life works exactly like that to. put in the time and the effort, and your progress will become apparent to you and those around you. and it gets easier, and it gets to feeling good!
3. distractions are lovely. anything to get you out of your mind in such  robotic, monotonous ways is such a relief! at my desk job, i had framed pictures of my family and my dumb-ass friends. i always used a pretty, pink pen. i loved to surround myself with live flowers and bright colors to remind myself of beautiful things which exist in abundance in our wide world, if i only took it upon myself to look. you can do this with the rest of your life too--spruce it up. inject your life with some vitality. we all know that just because you're alive, doesn't mean that you're living. research some new music. buy some chic clothes from the thrift store. start a walking circle in your neighborhood. get in your car and drive around town for no reason other than seeing the scenery outside and to be seen out in the world! i call this phenomenon "ornamenting" you life. light it up like Xmas lights. flash, flash, motherfuckers.
4. it all goes on, and you have to get what you can acquire. at work, it's a paycheck, or a check and tips for me right now. my job doesn't need me or owe me anything, however. i am putting myself in the situation to where i can benefit. i want the money and benefits, so i offer my labour. the job doesn't need me and will go on if i never show my face on there again--i can be replaced. it's rather harsh, but living is a lot like that too. the world's only job is to go on. it doesn't have to shine a ray of light only onto you. if you sleep your life away in bed, the seasons keep coming. there is however some beauty to this which makes for one amazingly bittersweet experience. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. we have all of the power in the world only over ourselves. we can choose to restrain ourselves just as easily as choosing our freedom. we can live while choosing to remain open to the beautiful, wonderful things that life can send in our direction. and the more of this you notice, the more it occurs. we can love as much as we can (which is an infinite amount), and harness the greatest power in the world! this alone, actually, is the purpose of life to many religious groups for plenty good reason. while harnessing love, all of the power in the world belongs to you. the more love you emit, the more your own, personal life is nourished and the more beautiful your own experience becomes. try to make your life as brilliant as it can possibly be... it's all up to you to choose that path--depression, mania, OCD, autism, whatever. now that feels good.

the bottom line is that at the end of it all, what you get out of your experience is only ever up to you. if you have a crappy life, you really can only blame yourself. it is never your parents' or your ex boyfriend's fault. conditions and environments are not your prison. they are a given. make your circumstances a springboard! and if it's any help, think of all of the other people who are on a similar journey and who have not given up, like me! give yourself a reason to smile again. of course the work begins inside, and it truly does get better the more you do it. and doctors and medications do have their very important place in the scheme of things, just as they do with any other condition/ailment/affliction/boo-boo. always be the first to help yourself, and other things follow accordingly. i promise!

love and love and LOVE,

ringing in two-thousand-and-heaven.

sxc.hu

1. there's nothing more important than that you feel very, very good.
2. you get what you feel, not what you think. you can say the most positive things and wear the most convincing fake smiles, but when you look around at your life, it's reminding you of what is real. and feelings are what make anything real. heal your heart, if you do nothing else. fix it and feel very GOOD genuinely, despite everything.
3. we've got so much freedom; we can actually choose to inhibit ourselves! it's always personal; no one does the job for you.
4. the joy is in the journey, not just the destination. be happy in now, while later approaches. don't terminate the experience!
5. smile a lot. even forcing one makes you feel better, and this alone has immeasurable value.
6. stay grateful for the things that you love now to ensure that they are always there.
7. there's absolutely nothing wrong with daydreaming.
8. meditation is truly a lovely thing for many, many reasons. anything that gets you out of your head is so relieving. 
9. always aim for the better and better feeling thoughts until it is a habit for you. your neighbors will get sick of seeing you smile and your cheeks will ache!
10. i'll never stop saying it--life isn't happening to you; it's following you. make it worth your time. make it feel good. 

my holiday present to you.

i'm quite resourceful, and i'm always full of brilliant news to share with my friends. i'm so thrilled about this one--i might have outdone myself here! this is even an unimaginable very-much-desired gift for myself! i hope that any of you can find enjoyment from it (and if you can understand its worth, you surely can, and WILL)!


i'm a Deliberate Creator: i design my life. you've heard me say it that life is not happening to me, but FOLLOWING me. i study and follow the Law of Attraction and work to manifest my own desires into my life for the joy of it. Advice to Deliberate Creators is a book being shared across the Web among fellow seekers, and even those just beginning to take the trip inside to this personal, magickal world. i refer to the practice of this substance in excess, and there are innumerable references sprinkled throughout my posts. but i have not gone about explicitly teaching and outlining this precious and beneficial approach to enjoying life like never before. this book seems to be a handy jewel of an inspirational tool and resource full of advice to remember when anyone goes about the work of manifestation via the Law of Attraction.

in other words, perfect the art of manifesting and getting exactly what you want to be, do, and have in your life through this ancient Universal Law! read this book, take notes, and study how to get your Loves to rendezvous with you as mine do with me! i'm definitely beginning to read it now. it's a wonderful, free resource, and i very much recommend it being a beginning step towards making magick with your own life. do look into it and let me know all of the wonderful things that you create and manifest for yourself!

• here's a "Sneak Peek" at some of the treasures waiting freely within for you to indulge in:

1. Notice when you feel good and realize the more you appreciate those moments the more they will occur. 

2. See what it takes to make yourself feel good again and learn to do that more and more and easier and easier. 

3. Not feeling good can mean so many good things. Let go of those moments softly and gently, they are there to teach. 

4. The universe is fully intent on you, loves you and supports you right or wrong (if there is wrong). Think of it as an intimate friend that grants wishes. 

5. You will change; go through stages-because of this. Immerse yourself in loving yourself unconditionally and be with those who also love you no matter what.  

-- Brian

• read/get/download it (freely!) HERE! Happy Holidays! go ahead and share it yourself; keep the positive energy cycling!

sources: The Good Vibe Blog

affirmations upon the new year!

a positivity card of mine--full of affirmations!

look at my card of affirmations (and commentary on HBO's True Blood series if you get closer and squint)! these are the strongest statements resonating of my growth thus far. indeed, they are quite important to me and fun to remind myself of! i knew all of these things already, and right now, i'm always only going about remembering these fantastic truths which make me a damned-near superhero. 

hmmm... if i were a superhero, who would i be? some sick little part of my mind jumps immediately to supervillain, and immediately assumes the role of Harley Quinn, Joker's (excuse me, Mistah J's) hench wench with the awful accent and jester costume. heh, good girls go to Heaven, and bad girls go everywhere!

and, let me not neglect to say,

"Happy New Year, People!"

do you have a kiss this year? i do ;-) if you don't, i'll send one your way! *smooch* two-thousand-and-eleven is two-thousand-and-heaven; it's our BEST year to date! it goes on! it goes up from here! and that's a promise.