"God Bless the Night"

A poem of mine, dug up from my dusty portfolio. I've been inspired to share. Penned in 2008:

"God Bless the Night"
God bless the night
when even our own bodies fail ourselves
And we sleep sick lovers

And dead dreamers

Ended in our fancies

And when each heart is mocked

By its warmth.

Blood may be ruddy and florid

But to see it is to die a little.
--Cheniece S. S.

roundup.

i'm NOT dead. in fact, i've been busy and wearing my Wonder Woman gear: lasso, invisible jet, funk band playing my theme song...

"aww, Cherry! you change men like you do with your underwear!"
actually, sometimes i don't even wear under things.

my snail mail to him: here's No. 2

shock value: Mein Kampf

HOT, right?

.

the storms totally tore through the South. it's as if we can't catch a break! my old town is all BUT leveled, but my friends have high spirits and strength. i've been praying like no other time.

Yaya is a slut and got pregnant. she delivered seven babies March 30th. someone is driving down from Lexington today to pick up one of the little buggers for adoption in response to a craigslist ad of mine. we simply have no extra room for so many more pets! and that's saying something because i live out in the country on three acres of land, surrounded by trees and ponds. it's bittersweet, but Yaya has to remain my main baby. i'm keeping one of her puppies; I've named her Dixie Diamond, the jewel of the South. kawaii!

my undies!

oh! and Nic Sheff has been ALL over my mind. here he is in the bookstore where I work (and play):

gosh, i'd love to meet him. all the more reason to finish MY novel.

YES: i'm studying for the MCAT AND writing a book at the same time...

also, just have to say how proud i am of LIZ! you go, you! you are such a beautiful and powerful force! i would definitely vote for you and rig the votes (if this was a National election and i was managing Florida's ballots).

i'll make a proper return. this roundup stands only to prove that i am alive and well. speaking of which, the Osama bin Laden news couldn't be more major and difficult to fully absorb at once!..

i'll get back to y'all, all of my dear friends, SOON.

i read nic sheff. or whatever.

(a very pretty) nic sheff enthusiast.

i TOTALLY got the bookstore job. Books A Million is awesome! and they let me rent books by all of my favorite authors for free. i am way too pleased to display evidence of my appreciation for all things nic sheff. can't wait to give Tweak a rest and tear through We All Fall Down (well, i actually can't tear it; it's supposed to remain in sell able condition--although i'll more than likely end up purchasing it.). i love you, nic sheff! you are a Beautiful Boy and one of my favorite contemporary authors (and at such an age!)! Congratulations from a similar. Love yourself and keep pouring it out into your progress. i'm becoming like his unofficial promoter...

nic sheff, mon semblable, mon frere!

life.com

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff. you have quickly become one of my admired authors. one of my heroes so swiftly. your memoire had me swooning when i wasn't cringing. you are a literary young man--i hope i do not insult you by noting that you regard my allusion to Mr. T. S. Elliott, however i may have misspelled his iconic name.

i am unapologetic in my signature practice of the utilization of absent capitalizations and arcane spellings. and obsessions with anything worthy. anything beautiful.

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff.
you don't blog anymore publicly. i would have been honoured to snoop some more at:

New Dawn Transmission - Nic Sheff's Journal of Recovery

you are accomplished and published. you are such, SUCH the "beautiful boy" that your father waxes on in pride, nevertheless.
can i flirt with you by saying that i am published as as well? i am a sad young literary woman? my teachers in high school all cried at my graduation (literally and quite audibly enough to ruin my picture) when i announced that i would be pursuing medical school? that i am envisioning myself to be a younger Anne Rice writing creepy semi-fictitious tales from my old hometown in Yazoo City, Mississippi -- full of its witch, ghosts, and walking-dead residents? the history, the names, the graves, the families, the locations... all are emblazoned in my brain from reality, and i'm weaving them into something that my aunt frankly claims will be a "Best-motherfruckin'-Seller!" and i'm pretty. and i'm single. and i don't think it weird of you to think of a young girl's scarred wrists as "hot". i've got scars of my own, but surely the both of of us have grown up some for our own sakes. and yeah, i admit that i know the ways of a drug seizing control of all of my body--in all too familiar of a way that you have gone into detail about in Tweak. i'm only preserving some of my modesty. and flirting. i know Effexor, Seroquel, Lexapro, Klonopin, in-patient stays, dismissals, a broken engagement to be married, despair, and the whirlwind cycle that we are always in and never taming. me for more than half of my 22 year-old life. oh, boy.

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff.
where have you gone? are you alive and well? alive as an artist. a beautiful man? it seems as f you are so imminent and transcendent at the same time, like celebrities are, like God is. but don't listen to me preach to you for one second. because, you know. you hate that sort of thing. and who said that i would be good at it anyway? 

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff.
how tall are you? who do you doubt your attractive appearance? how deep is your voice? can i touch your fun-looking hair? do you like petite, teeny-tiny, intelligent, well-read, discerning, triumphant, victorious young ladies (younger than you) with a taste for the grotesque and the existential with a load of rude adulterations thrown inside? what do you think that we could talk about? i like to imagine that we have walked a road not too far diverged. i like to think that i like boys who are as singularly unique as quirky as i am. boys who won't ever be understood no matter how many pages they pen. i like boys that i know because i know the ways of myself. and i am a Libra with merciless charms and a hopeless inclinations to romance and relations. (or, you know, an email and some correspondence)

did i mention that i am pretty? that i am an ex-Hooters Girl building my life up into something after University gilded and worthy. beauty from the ashes attributing to my stained lungs.aged enough to date you or, just post about my fanship.

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff. mon semblable, mon frere! would that we could talk.... maybe when i am published again, you could shake my hand or give me a hug. maybe i'm going to sit up a little more and wake up now. and when anyone asks me why i'm giggling for no obvious reason, i'll just click my tongue and giggle some more.

would that we could share anything. "everything."

here's hoping to a good Google ranking and your intrigue. i'm a fan. only because i know both value and worth. and isn't it the saying that goes: it takes one to know one? 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nic Sheff | Official Publisher Page

tweak by nic sheff

Nic Sheff (Nic Sheff) on Myspace

Nic Sheff / Tweak | Facebook 

Nic Sheff, David Sheff Talk About Life After Meth Addiction

Relapse a constant threat, 'Tweak' author says - CNN

Talk and Signing with Nic Sheff, bestselling author of Tweak

Amazon.com: Nic Sheff: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, Kindle

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The Hip Mom's Guide: I'm Cheering for You Nic Sheff.

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Images

to be, to be!

Magic -- sxc.hu

i've got my wretched Lady Days. a friend of mine of any length unfortunately knows that i always readily divulge such details. and quite regularly, i am not surprised at how my friends eagerly share with me and our other friends that they, too, are similarly afflicted. kind of like that time when we all talked about our vaginas. that's right, You! i didn't forget! we share stories about us crying, yelling, being gassy, and just plain ole acting like a bitch to anyone within a yard's radius of us. we should all count it as luck to be separated from one another via monitor screen and such at times.

i've been a bloated mess, but i feel unusually inspired to play around in my digitally-created world. i've been catching up with all of you, smiling at your stories, laughing at your pictures... i swear it's been something painful as missing a best friend.

so, "To be, or not to be?" as with the question of Hamlet's inaction. i am being active in today. Kotex has done a lovely job with their marketing of products. at the store from which i was purchasing them, the cashier forgot to ring me up for my tampons and liners, she left them at the back of the belt. the man in line behind me pointed it out to my cashier, and she apologized, but i would have none of it. i had forgotten my things also! i laughed it off heartily saying that i was ready to pay for them at her convenience; and besides, they surely didn't belong to the man behind me! the whole line laughed, and my positive mood was catching like flu.

right now, i'm listening to my Pandora station. it's full of Placebo (of course, you know me), Muse, Interpol, Depeche Mode, Massive Attack, etc. it's divine. and that "bit" older man in the picture in the last post happens to love my taste in music--and just about everything. "I don't mean to rush things here, BUT we should totally get married tomorrow and have babies--just saying..." his words. haha, but God knows i'd never blindly step into ANOTHER proposal again. and by the way, last year's Valentine's Day, i found myself at the end of an engagement to a man whom i childishly loved with EVERYTHING inside of myself. and this year, the day right after Valentine's Day, i find myself on a hot date with a man who says that he sees "another engagement happening." oh, my! i do not lie when i remark on how marvelously "must-have" i am. and haven't i told you that before?

ah, Pandora has just played "Obstacle 1" by Interpol. just, YES. my hair is silky straight and shiny. and i have managed a few, long, blonde streaks into my natural bob. i'm excited for my date tomorrow. i hate to date myself unnecessarily. but the man is a 30 year old who has taught at the same junior high and high schools that my brothers went to. and he's best friends with my high school Calculus teacher's husband. this is both weird and not. 30 is not too old for me. indeed, i still have a pair of shiny, black pumps hiding over a 28 year old Doctor B's apartment over in River City after i left them one weekend. ah, i'm bad!

while i'm still fueled with my vitamins, better diet, less smoking, and new medicines from my doctor, i'll resume catching up with all of you, my lovely dolls. and if you've noticed that i haven't been by to check on you in a while, it might be because i have an incorrect link, or don't have one at all. "Follow" my blog and be sure that your profile is linked to a current, active link to you. or comment below to fill me in. i am ever amazed at my growing Followers list and your lovely, encouraging reviews of appreciation. peek them at the top right in the sidebar. and, of course, i can't wait to meet some more of my friends to have a blast with! i'll be right here for y'all. with glitter confetti and poetry. make my day, and watch me make yours.

"Goodnight, sweet ladies, goodnight." i think that this is Shakespeare also--Hamlet, even. Ophelia? or maybe it is from Romeo and Juliet. hmmm.

*and have you peeped my most recent addition to my viewer content? (most recently added is my very massive and extended, self-help gift of an article for you, "Being Happy, Feeling Good -- Going from Clinical Depression to Having the Midas Touch in Your Regal Life!" originally Premium Content, i gladly decided to offer it freely!)*

i miss y'all!!! KIM, LIZ, ESTERA, ALL!!! xoxo
and from what i've been reading, some of y'all have had some very envy-inducing Valentine's Days! Lucky Ones! i'm jealous :-D 
glitter confetti and love poems,

books and dreams.

Authors Nic and David Sheff. SO much love to Nic!

hello, sweet loves of mine, sweet children of mine--Guns N Roses style, for all you rockstars.
how have things been going in your respective adventures? i sense a lag among some of you. it might be explained away with exams, or family dynamics, or environmental conditions, or just being remiss in being the awesome blogger friend of mine that you truly are.

i've been taking a passionate stance in achieving my well-being. my doctor is hilarious, in that he told me that my bed was supposed to be used for sleeping and for sex only--and THEN he fist-bumped with me! haha! my new medicines are giving me some deserved relief. i feel like i can become an even better woman than i was before, and quite easily the greatest woman alive. you can't stop me. i still have to beat men off with a stick and tell them that i'm married. the truth is that i have absolutely no room or desire to give a man a significant part in my life right now. i would just fail him, and i don't like hearing some stupid male whining to me, when i'm taking care of ME. silly little boys. this is truly the first time in my life during which i have placed romantic relationships at the very back of my mind. guess who's growing up?

and i've been having weird dreams. i dreamed that I slept with Nic Sheff, the author of the book Tweak, which is phenomenal. the dream was pretty sweet too ;-) last month it was Ryan Jennings from The Real World N.O. any more of this, and i'll run out of sheets! and speaking of the gorgeous and inspirational author Nic Sheff, i just purchased his dad's book covering his parental distress at having a son who's an addict, and it's sublime. David Sheff's Beautiful Boy is great! the dad is also really hot too. very good genes, apparently.

when i'm published soon, i would like to have a hot author husband. Nic Sheff, Christopher Rice?..

• "New Dawn Transmission" -- Nic's discontinued blog surrounding his journey of recovery. kind of disappointed that he quit... *pouts* his writing style is immediately intimate and aggressively engaging. his debut novel is an impressive submission that i find as a joy to introduce to my bookcase of motley jewels.  
• Tweak by Nic Sheff -- his debut project. i'm a fan of it. considered a young adult book despite its graphic honesty. Nic's book is written to shock and entertain while enlightening onlookers. it also warms hearts and consoles those who feel overwhelmingly alone in facing their demons of chemical dependency, mental illness, and habitual bad decisions. it engenders relief and hope among those who are too often regarded as being "lost," or even a figurative "casualty." 
• Beautiful Boy by David Sheff -- the perspective of Nic's father, David, during the season in Nic's life that was largely affected by his drug usage. i've only just bought it yesterday (after wanting to get my hands on it for about 2 months now), so i unfortunately cannot add more flowery commentary to my review. i will say that the father's submission also engenders a well-needed sense of relief and hope from those lives affected by addiction, whether directly or indirectly. also has some great statistical, chemical, and psychological commentary included and supported by his personal and direct experiences in researching.

Nic has self-image concerns, but i think that he is SUCH a beautiful man! his eyes and mouth are lovely. and after viewing some videos of some random speaking affairs of his, i think that he is absolutely passionate and loyal to those he loves. he admitted to obsessively telling people that he loved them on accident. how adorable! and he has a round and full upbringing that has made him a wise and content adult; he is quite mature. Nic Sheff knows the value of practicality, has killer taste in music, and enjoys capital-L Literature. why aren't more men made like this at home?

Being Happy, Feeling Good

 Being Happy, Feeling Good

“Going from Clinical Depression to Having the Midas Touch in Your Regal Life!”

a massive, original article by ♥cherry at RousingVenus.co.cc

(not to be re-sold or used for profit without explicit consent given from the author, cherry, at www.rousingvenus.co.cc)

This is my first article in what is surely to be a series of premium, downloadable content.

(i was originally going to let this go for from $3-$5, but i feel too inspired to share. click "go on" below..) 

rampage of appreciation.

i am SO happy that my MiMaw is home from the hospital! i am so happy that her party today involved so much good food. i am so happy that i ate cake until my tooth hurt, not that it takes much for that to happen. i am so happy that my puppy rode in the car with me today.

i am so happy that i effing finished writing the Prologue to my book! woo! it's a nice feeling to stick with something this time. i've been writing a number of spheres for years. but now that i'm becoming a Big Girl, i'm getting better at getting my desires to take shape into my life. SO proud of myself. i have earned a whole lot more good things to come my way--and they WILL (because i said so, damnit)!

i like that i'm such a force to behold. i like that my brother's girlfriend invited me to read her blog. i like that people take the time to let me know when they appreciate me. i like being able to say how much i appreciate someone else (you guys). i like cursing for shock value. i just like cursing for no reason at all usually. i like the friends that i've made who have mental illness. i like having friends who can never judge me about the "flaw" in me that i cannot help. i like not being a prisoner to anything. i like the relationship i have with my mother. i like my doctor (most of the time)! i like writing pages and pages and pages easily with not an ounce of coffee and calling in my "Prologue," when in fact, it's longer than some actual chapters. i like being motivated to do things. i like following my inspiration to do something and watching it unfold magnificently. it HAS to.

returning with smiles.

i nearly forgot how absolutely good it feels to post here among my friends--both the old bitches and the new ones.
i got a check in the mail recently from one of my friends who makes it useless for me to have enemies. he owed me a bunch of money in parking tickets when i left my car in his care for a weekend. haha! he's such an asshole and wrote out the check in both of my names :)

Pay To: Cheniece "Cherry" Smith

 

i've been getting a lot of positive feedback from people. especially about my January 4th post on Mental Illness--namely Depression. i got a "love letter" from a guy! how cool is that? i don't have his permission to share it, so i'll try to respect him as much as possible while i do this:

"Thank you for your Jan.4 post about depression. I have been struggling

with depression and ocd since I was 13. Now I am 35 - have a family

and a job, but it is a lifelong struggle. I thought you made Some

excellent observations. On a second note, you are very beautiful and

lively. Looking at your eyes is a pleasurable as reading your content.

My blog is at ___________.blogspot.com. - don't be frightened by the

one pic of me (I was "Joker" for halloween)" -- An Awesome Guy

"OH, that makes me so happy to get positive feedback! that made me smile so big--PLUS, i'm glad that you liked my observations [and my eyes, apparently :) ] i can't wait to dive into your blog... nice Joker face, by the way! "Why So Serious????" -- Myself to Awesome Guy

this sort of thing makes me feel so good.
i have a party to go to now. can you imagine me riding around with balloons AND a dog in my car? it happened. i have to be off. catch up soon. xoxo

ciao,

not nearly dead.

i'm not dead, my loves--my doves.
rather, i've been a little human, and have fallen to being completely dull and uninspired.

until now that is!
breakups cannot stop me! car wrecks have not killed me! even having cramps will only slow me down for a couple of days... i'm immensely powerful!
and i'm busier now that i've taken the time to work on my book. imagine this: excuses to travel to Yazoo City for sight-seeing disguised as "research." easy $60 in gas last week already.

i'll be back and better than before, as goes the way with progression. give it time. i'm giving Myself time... "One heartbeat, at a time."

can't wait to catch up with you all via your respective blogs and such. be expecting a load of love and comments coming from me in your direction over the next couple of days (or so).

xoxo

positively pulling...

ohmygosh! 

i keep eyeing my Followers gadget in my sidebar to the right, and i get startled and SO thrilled each time i find myself welcoming and reading the latest posts by another new friend of mine! it feels so good to make the friends that i have always wanted to make. it is so lovely for the things of my desires to be drawn unto me effortlessly... thank you, to all of my Loves--my followers. Liz, Kim, Jayla, Cass, etc (don't you dare fight each other, you are listed in no particular order). you truly are the raddest people on the planet. and thank you to the Universe for moving things into place for my benefit and for the benefit of those in my life! i get a kick out of just looking around and witnessing my magickal, positive vibrations rubbing off and transferring themselves to my friends and making big moves in the name of Love, Power, and Magick.

stick with me, and who knows what we may accomplish!

sxc.hu

i fell in love with some prose penned by one of my blogger friends, Jayla, just today. i know that i'm supposed to be waiting for her consent to share her work, but i can't fight my urge to let it flow from her, to me, and to you:

"Burst" by Jayla

I feel like I'm going to burst, because I need you

I'm not sure who you are, but I need to know soon

The waiting can't get any longer, and the temptations grow stronger each day.

Why can't they understand that I am no longer a baby, but a young woman with true feelings.

I feel like I will burst any minute, I am so filled with love, yet no one to share it with.

And when I am finally able to release that love, I don't think I'll be able to stop.

isn't that just so nice to read? it feels like being at the brink of falling upon the greatest adventure of her life so far! this hobbit does indeed go on adventures, and she could not be afraid of old, white-haired wizards coming to her door with mischief up their long sleeves. i'm a huge nerd, yes. i can completely envision Bilbo Baggins' round, little green door to his home, with a golden doorknob directly in its centre... i can photographically recall blocks of my favorite literature from memory at the appropriate moments. it is one of my quirks that i absolutely LOVE! hmmm... watching LOTR, or re-reading some of the trilogy, should be added to my agenda today. i feel inspired to get that done!

and i got the best Thank You email, ever, just yesterday from an amazing blogger whom i know in real life after i gave some of my most loving and helpful advice to her:

oh my word! I don’t even know where to begin!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! for the links, the advice, and especially the Love. Your email sat a smile on my face and a joy in my heart that nearly kept me awake all night. I’m violently eager to swan-dive into all these opportunities and even more to offer my wares to you.

So thank you for opening the door! And for your elaborate research into this Law of Attraction and other keys to Divinity. Your investigations are always so thorough and your zeal is sincere. I can totally tell!

that's Ka...--oops! i mean, Estera Star for you people! and she's quite the progressive and entertaining webmistress herself. she has a load of projects that she currently manages, and they're just great!

haha! i'm giggling because this post has taken up its own agenda and become an introduction/meet-up of sorts of my coolest friends. but it's bursting with good feelings pulling more good feelings unto itself. this is all that matters, really. it's the point of anything worthwhile. we all really only should be focusing on feeling our best so that we can then fully come into being our best.

"Through your ability to think and feel, you have dominion over all Creation." -- Neville Goddard, New Thought Author

productivity while walking the black dog.

i like smiling.

Sir Winston Churchill really has my heart, as he is noted for not only suffering with depression, but also for being a remarkable person despite still having to do what he called "walking the black dog."

if you know anything about me, there are some things that appear at the forefront: i'm quite tiny. i have a weird attraction to wigs when my real hair can be glamorous. i draw on my eyebrows with expertise. i love animals and books to the extreme. i have tried to dislike the color pink to avoid its connotations and failed time and time again. did i already mention my book collection?.. you should really see it; it really is impressive and pretty cool, too!..

what is also probably the saddest attribute that any living person can unfortunately find themselves expressing is that of depression--and that has been my tragedy for more than half of my life. depression is an umbrella term spanning an entire, gloomy spectrum of what in many cases becomes an all-too-real "disability" even. it really irks me when my own mother wasn't approved for Social Security benefits for her debilitating battle with depression that was handicapping her, and inhibiting her experiencing life. it is very much a "disorder." you cannot just "snap out of it." would someone who is autistic or M.R. be told to just "get over" their mental condition? not at all. and believe you me, i've run the gamut of trying to leave my dark secret behind, trying to forget it, only to be reminded that i am only human, and even if i am wearing Wonder Woman panties, i still need some help from time to time.

the reality here in our time-space experience is that even those afflicted with a mental condition such as depression can find themselves being swept up by the tides of an overwhelming and very consuming force of today's demanding life. the world does not stop turning and rotating, the days just keep coming, opportunities do not wait, and nothing is owed to you, or even offered your way very easily. and those who are not in a healthy state of mind, and who honestly cannot help that about themselves, often find themselves conquered and run over by this bittersweet run of progressing life. it can be so utterly painful that your feelings become even too sore for tears. and i won't even mention the darkest sides of this pain--the places that can lead to self-medicating, drug abuse, self-harm, and suicide. i'll only say that i have been blessed to find myself on the opposite side of this scale for the most part--no matter how much i have found myself hurting. yes, hand clap to myself! APPLAUSE!

and while i still have to work to not succumb to my lurking, dark feelings threatening to pull me under, i've realized that in order to really do this thing called living, i had take full responsibility for my experience here on Earth no matter what hand i have been dealt. i am not the only woman, by far, who has to carry some less-than-splendid loads around with her for much of her life. and in my recognizing this and my pockets being empty from my break from working, i just HAD to get back on the horse. nothing was being handed to me, everyone else had their own crises to contend with, and i had so much that i genuinely wanted to acquire for my life to make it all worthwhile. heh--i was still very sick and i had to get a job, all while walking that black dog of mine.

i had been working full-time (even in high school) because my mother is a disabled nurse who cannot provide as she used to, and because i'm a grown-ass woman who contributes when she can! with my little brothers in school, it's usually me who doing to providing. lots of people don't know this about me! my life is not all magick spells and love stories! it gets quite hard at times... and there are several valuable life lessons that i have learned about staying afloat from my full past of work experience. it has helped me stay afloat not only at different businesses, but also just from the day-to-day pulling of life's currents.

1. the reason people work is largely because they "have to." it's hardly ever falls to what is the easiest, most desirable thing. if you start to look at life as being full of things that you "have to" contend with, then it becomes easier to digest: you "have to" get out of bed and go about doing things. you really "have to" shower and take care of yourself. you "have to" be alive and here right now for whatever worthwhile reasons that keep you going. and it's very important that you find those reasons!
2. it gets easier with practice. remember how good you got at your last job after only a couple of weeks following the routine? remember how nervous you were on your first day compared to your feeling of relaxed expertise that you had later? life works exactly like that to. put in the time and the effort, and your progress will become apparent to you and those around you. and it gets easier, and it gets to feeling good!
3. distractions are lovely. anything to get you out of your mind in such  robotic, monotonous ways is such a relief! at my desk job, i had framed pictures of my family and my dumb-ass friends. i always used a pretty, pink pen. i loved to surround myself with live flowers and bright colors to remind myself of beautiful things which exist in abundance in our wide world, if i only took it upon myself to look. you can do this with the rest of your life too--spruce it up. inject your life with some vitality. we all know that just because you're alive, doesn't mean that you're living. research some new music. buy some chic clothes from the thrift store. start a walking circle in your neighborhood. get in your car and drive around town for no reason other than seeing the scenery outside and to be seen out in the world! i call this phenomenon "ornamenting" you life. light it up like Xmas lights. flash, flash, motherfuckers.
4. it all goes on, and you have to get what you can acquire. at work, it's a paycheck, or a check and tips for me right now. my job doesn't need me or owe me anything, however. i am putting myself in the situation to where i can benefit. i want the money and benefits, so i offer my labour. the job doesn't need me and will go on if i never show my face on there again--i can be replaced. it's rather harsh, but living is a lot like that too. the world's only job is to go on. it doesn't have to shine a ray of light only onto you. if you sleep your life away in bed, the seasons keep coming. there is however some beauty to this which makes for one amazingly bittersweet experience. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. we have all of the power in the world only over ourselves. we can choose to restrain ourselves just as easily as choosing our freedom. we can live while choosing to remain open to the beautiful, wonderful things that life can send in our direction. and the more of this you notice, the more it occurs. we can love as much as we can (which is an infinite amount), and harness the greatest power in the world! this alone, actually, is the purpose of life to many religious groups for plenty good reason. while harnessing love, all of the power in the world belongs to you. the more love you emit, the more your own, personal life is nourished and the more beautiful your own experience becomes. try to make your life as brilliant as it can possibly be... it's all up to you to choose that path--depression, mania, OCD, autism, whatever. now that feels good.

the bottom line is that at the end of it all, what you get out of your experience is only ever up to you. if you have a crappy life, you really can only blame yourself. it is never your parents' or your ex boyfriend's fault. conditions and environments are not your prison. they are a given. make your circumstances a springboard! and if it's any help, think of all of the other people who are on a similar journey and who have not given up, like me! give yourself a reason to smile again. of course the work begins inside, and it truly does get better the more you do it. and doctors and medications do have their very important place in the scheme of things, just as they do with any other condition/ailment/affliction/boo-boo. always be the first to help yourself, and other things follow accordingly. i promise!

love and love and LOVE,

two thousand and heaven, post one.

i'm bringing in this first day of my absolute BEST YEAR YET with with flood of good feelings and abundant and imminent magic waiting to find me! this is so much more fun than being clinically depressed; i should have chosen to be happy sooner, i tell you!

i got a phone call last night from one of the two blonde Greek Adonises in my life. i might allow myself to have a gorgeous partner one day soon! he admits to being under my spell (who, me? casting a spell?..), and wants to indulge me rotten. i told him that i'm not that type of girl (the one who demands her partner to work hard and spoil her like it's necessary), and he told me that he was actually one of these guys who did that inherently for a good woman, and who said that this was a bad thing for him to do? *swoon!* old-fashioned manners get me everytime. i'm a feminist, and this is a secret of mine. i adore to be treated like a Lady...

i've been up and writing some fanfiction. i have an unhealthy obsession with Vergil Sparda of CAPCOM's Devil May Cry 3. here's the first part of Chapter 1! i'll most definitely end up posting again today. it feels so good to design and enjoy my life! life is supposed to feel good!