nic sheff, mon semblable, mon frere!

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ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff. you have quickly become one of my admired authors. one of my heroes so swiftly. your memoire had me swooning when i wasn't cringing. you are a literary young man--i hope i do not insult you by noting that you regard my allusion to Mr. T. S. Elliott, however i may have misspelled his iconic name.

i am unapologetic in my signature practice of the utilization of absent capitalizations and arcane spellings. and obsessions with anything worthy. anything beautiful.

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff.
you don't blog anymore publicly. i would have been honoured to snoop some more at:

New Dawn Transmission - Nic Sheff's Journal of Recovery

you are accomplished and published. you are such, SUCH the "beautiful boy" that your father waxes on in pride, nevertheless.
can i flirt with you by saying that i am published as as well? i am a sad young literary woman? my teachers in high school all cried at my graduation (literally and quite audibly enough to ruin my picture) when i announced that i would be pursuing medical school? that i am envisioning myself to be a younger Anne Rice writing creepy semi-fictitious tales from my old hometown in Yazoo City, Mississippi -- full of its witch, ghosts, and walking-dead residents? the history, the names, the graves, the families, the locations... all are emblazoned in my brain from reality, and i'm weaving them into something that my aunt frankly claims will be a "Best-motherfruckin'-Seller!" and i'm pretty. and i'm single. and i don't think it weird of you to think of a young girl's scarred wrists as "hot". i've got scars of my own, but surely the both of of us have grown up some for our own sakes. and yeah, i admit that i know the ways of a drug seizing control of all of my body--in all too familiar of a way that you have gone into detail about in Tweak. i'm only preserving some of my modesty. and flirting. i know Effexor, Seroquel, Lexapro, Klonopin, in-patient stays, dismissals, a broken engagement to be married, despair, and the whirlwind cycle that we are always in and never taming. me for more than half of my 22 year-old life. oh, boy.

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff.
where have you gone? are you alive and well? alive as an artist. a beautiful man? it seems as f you are so imminent and transcendent at the same time, like celebrities are, like God is. but don't listen to me preach to you for one second. because, you know. you hate that sort of thing. and who said that i would be good at it anyway? 

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff.
how tall are you? who do you doubt your attractive appearance? how deep is your voice? can i touch your fun-looking hair? do you like petite, teeny-tiny, intelligent, well-read, discerning, triumphant, victorious young ladies (younger than you) with a taste for the grotesque and the existential with a load of rude adulterations thrown inside? what do you think that we could talk about? i like to imagine that we have walked a road not too far diverged. i like to think that i like boys who are as singularly unique as quirky as i am. boys who won't ever be understood no matter how many pages they pen. i like boys that i know because i know the ways of myself. and i am a Libra with merciless charms and a hopeless inclinations to romance and relations. (or, you know, an email and some correspondence)

did i mention that i am pretty? that i am an ex-Hooters Girl building my life up into something after University gilded and worthy. beauty from the ashes attributing to my stained lungs.aged enough to date you or, just post about my fanship.

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff. mon semblable, mon frere! would that we could talk.... maybe when i am published again, you could shake my hand or give me a hug. maybe i'm going to sit up a little more and wake up now. and when anyone asks me why i'm giggling for no obvious reason, i'll just click my tongue and giggle some more.

would that we could share anything. "everything."

here's hoping to a good Google ranking and your intrigue. i'm a fan. only because i know both value and worth. and isn't it the saying that goes: it takes one to know one? 
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!!!squeal!!!

Violently Happy Evidence: cherry and her Mister S.

my grand adventure.

today is one of those mornings that wrap me in magically twinkling stars and sends me going on in awe. gaping fish-face at the overwhelming good that i am wondering about.

it feels so good to feel good, to have it confirmed that no matter what pace i go, i am heading in the right direction (which is truly saying something, because i am terrible at remembering directions. i get lost just driving home all of the time.)

i 've made some friends along this crazy adventure of mine. it's easy to love people when your spirits have a strong accord. it's easy to either say or not say that you are a mental patient with the appropriate respective conviction. it's easy to listen to Train (so glad that this band came back so strongly!) or the Goo Goo Dolls alone in the early, early morning.

"So darling, what you are discovering, is that older, sophisticated, handsome, humorous and charming gentlemen, are more effective than Prozac or Effexor."

 heh, oh yes. i really do terribly muchly so like this sort of man a lot. and i'm liking myself a lot more these days, too--not that i was lacking in said department. i'm hopelessly dedicated to myself until my dying day.

faith is such a blissful word. my feelings right now are such blissful feelings. today will follow accordingly because it must. and i'm going to rise up to meet it.

positively pulling...

ohmygosh! 

i keep eyeing my Followers gadget in my sidebar to the right, and i get startled and SO thrilled each time i find myself welcoming and reading the latest posts by another new friend of mine! it feels so good to make the friends that i have always wanted to make. it is so lovely for the things of my desires to be drawn unto me effortlessly... thank you, to all of my Loves--my followers. Liz, Kim, Jayla, Cass, etc (don't you dare fight each other, you are listed in no particular order). you truly are the raddest people on the planet. and thank you to the Universe for moving things into place for my benefit and for the benefit of those in my life! i get a kick out of just looking around and witnessing my magickal, positive vibrations rubbing off and transferring themselves to my friends and making big moves in the name of Love, Power, and Magick.

stick with me, and who knows what we may accomplish!

sxc.hu

i fell in love with some prose penned by one of my blogger friends, Jayla, just today. i know that i'm supposed to be waiting for her consent to share her work, but i can't fight my urge to let it flow from her, to me, and to you:

"Burst" by Jayla

I feel like I'm going to burst, because I need you

I'm not sure who you are, but I need to know soon

The waiting can't get any longer, and the temptations grow stronger each day.

Why can't they understand that I am no longer a baby, but a young woman with true feelings.

I feel like I will burst any minute, I am so filled with love, yet no one to share it with.

And when I am finally able to release that love, I don't think I'll be able to stop.

isn't that just so nice to read? it feels like being at the brink of falling upon the greatest adventure of her life so far! this hobbit does indeed go on adventures, and she could not be afraid of old, white-haired wizards coming to her door with mischief up their long sleeves. i'm a huge nerd, yes. i can completely envision Bilbo Baggins' round, little green door to his home, with a golden doorknob directly in its centre... i can photographically recall blocks of my favorite literature from memory at the appropriate moments. it is one of my quirks that i absolutely LOVE! hmmm... watching LOTR, or re-reading some of the trilogy, should be added to my agenda today. i feel inspired to get that done!

and i got the best Thank You email, ever, just yesterday from an amazing blogger whom i know in real life after i gave some of my most loving and helpful advice to her:

oh my word! I don’t even know where to begin!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! for the links, the advice, and especially the Love. Your email sat a smile on my face and a joy in my heart that nearly kept me awake all night. I’m violently eager to swan-dive into all these opportunities and even more to offer my wares to you.

So thank you for opening the door! And for your elaborate research into this Law of Attraction and other keys to Divinity. Your investigations are always so thorough and your zeal is sincere. I can totally tell!

that's Ka...--oops! i mean, Estera Star for you people! and she's quite the progressive and entertaining webmistress herself. she has a load of projects that she currently manages, and they're just great!

haha! i'm giggling because this post has taken up its own agenda and become an introduction/meet-up of sorts of my coolest friends. but it's bursting with good feelings pulling more good feelings unto itself. this is all that matters, really. it's the point of anything worthwhile. we all really only should be focusing on feeling our best so that we can then fully come into being our best.

"Through your ability to think and feel, you have dominion over all Creation." -- Neville Goddard, New Thought Author

be the change, now change your sheets!

how exciting was yesterday?! even if we all can't agree on politics [which i love], you have to agree that the President's speech just gave you little butterflies of [i can't find a better word] Hope all in your belly, if you cared to listen to it. it was relieving and gave me good feelings all day. not to mention, i imagined how hungover my boyfriend was in D.C. that day, which made me laugh. what did yesterday do to you? i've already read some posts, but surely there's more. did you cry? did you care? did you drink too much and walk around in D.C. hungover before your performance like someone's man?

i have a cold. don't ask me how i went from recovering from my fever to catching a cold. my roomie just had a fever, so now i'm dousing the apartment in Lysol. i fell asleep one night with my vibrator running and woke up--and it still was on! i could have burned my clitoris off! what would my doctor have said?

and this is funny. absolutely funny:
---------------------
Heavily Tripping

Andy tripped along rapturously. He was on his way to meet his lover, Cherry, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a clown hopping along, carrying a box of wine in its mouth.

Andy was almost by the balls when he came across a horny cake, lying alone on a soap-scented plate. "That must be a treat from my peppery bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked chunky, so he ate it.

It gave him the most with abandon tingling sensation in his ass. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Cherry.
When Cherry came out to meet him, she took one look and fell over.
"What is it?" Andy cried covertly.
"Your collar bone! And your inside of the elbow!" Cherry said. "They're intense! Can't you feel it?"
Andy felt his collar bone and his inside of the elbow. They were indeed quite intense. "Oh, no!" Andy said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that horny cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"
"I didn't leave you any cake," Cherry said. "I got you a coffee mug. It must have been that vagina-oriented man who lives nearby. He acts a little morbidly, ever since he pat a hair pin."
"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Andy sobbed.
"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Cherry said speedily, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your collar bone is really luminous like that."
"Really?" Andy dried her tears. Andy kissed Cherry and it was an entirely green sensation, like rats in a cornfield.

They spent the night having entirely green sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.
Everything was rather awkward after that.
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and before you ask: NO, i'm not any crazier than usual. i went here to create this drabble! it's fun!

and pictures! The Slut Hut! or my apartment. still decorating and organizing.

TiLT

and go visit Gala @ iCiNG! she's a doll. i can't keep her wonderful webspace to myself forever. this is my first TiLT [things i love thursday]! here i go!
---
•Google Reader, which lets me subscribe to all of my favorite RSS updated websites from one place [blogs, twitters, campus and world news, literature assignments]. Googleverse in general because it's so dynamic and efficient! hel-lo!
•freshly manicured claws, er nails. double points for red paint!
•actually having time to experience breakfast incarnate as waffles!!!! WAFFLES!!!
being an ex-smoker, duh.
•flirting with beautiful [but socially inept] nerds.
realizing that eliminating a space for negativity in my life is quite beneficial to the whole progress thing, afterall. who woulda thunk?
•The South-a woman was killed in LA after deciding that the Klan was not the place for her and attempting to escape.
•meeting up with my platonic girlfriend over her apartment to watch Tommy Gavin Denis Leary Rescue Me while we "study."
•my job which gives me an excuse to wear hot office wear from the thrift store while i read Anne Rice or do homework!
•did i say something about hot nerds already? what about nerds who are 6'3 of lean muscle. oh, same thing!
•watching Fight Club for what seems like the sixth time in a month thanks to G4.
•YouTube playlists to listen to while i get ready for in the mornings! yesterday i got dressed and applied makeup to H. I. M., Joy Division [the Donnie Darko Halloween party song], Billy Idol, and the Danzig. badass!
•uh, my face? :D

i ♥ autumn.

this is indeed again the hackneyed "i ♥ the fall" post that i drabble out every year. this one will be in which i fail at connecting all of my favorite things, which are all conveniently linked during this wonderful time of year. 

despite my being a damned Yankee, there is still some salvation in this time of year for me. the weather is finally dipping below 80 degrees; 78 does count, doesn't it? when there is a wind, it's lovely. i swear that October has the best wind.. the evenings are more beautiful. the moon is more round and mysterious than ever. makes you understand why it's likened to a woman--its article in other languages is feminine and i know why when i just look up. i can snuggle up in toe socks and watch all of my favorite Halloween movies for nights in a row. there is the sate fair back home, there's my birthday, and of course--there's my favorite night of the whole year!

i should really do the Anne Rice Vampire Lestat Fan Club Ball this year. i swear, for one of her biggest fans, i never used my proximity to NOLA to my advantage.  gosh, it would be nice to finally maybe meet her and have her sign one of the many, many books of hers that i've managed to collect in the last five or so years. i need to dust off my 18th century vampire costume and meet some of the other coolest people on the planet  for an evening of fangs and and photos. Anne Rice is good vampire literature. After Stoker comes Rice, but I'm going to get into Twilight soon, i promise. i hear that it's amazing.

as for the actual DAY [or night] that is most important this month, im getting a little anxious. i'm not at home to go all out with decor and i don't know the first thing to do with my apartment. i still don't have a costume!!! what about The Rocky Horror Picture Show? what am i wearing then? yeah, i'm still female under all of my androgen. okay, Harley Quinn for Halloween and Miranda for the RHPS? a Transylvanian, perhaps? oh, Rocky.. a bonfire this year? a house party?

yeah, i'm having a geek-out. deal with it. i have to watch Tim Burton's Nightmare at least once. i also wouldn't mind Beetlejuice, Batman, etc.  i have to support my favorite producer / director. you should come over! i have the most random, yet amazing string of movie nights, ever. and the weather is so perfect for having a boy to wrap his arms around you and buy you coffee!! [i just met a beautiful boy who lives across from me. he called me ma'am when he held the door open for me.. he's a southern gentleman and not a bigot, but i usually go for taller ones, though. ]

screw that! i can wrap my arms around myself and make my own coffee! it's got to be this October moon getting to me!

Lestat et Louis speak the truth!

girlflirt.

despite what my face allows me to get away with, i'm embarrassed to say that i suck at flirting. my mother is always pushing me to wink at the older guys [do something, darling! look at him, at least stop looking in your book..] and my grandmother also reminds me that i never know when i could meet my husband and that i should always smile and stop scowling at every evidence of fuckery that i witness, because it isn't going anywhere.

well this has absolutely nothing to do with any of that.

there is this absolutely GORGEOUS woman in my facebook network. i'm talking smoking. and i had the guts to message her one day to tell her that i thought so. this is what it got me:

woah! and she is supposedly "straight." this happens to me more often than is conventionally casual being how i am easily perceived as an established heterosexual lady, what with the being engaged to a man? once and everything. so i wonder about myself. i like to imagine that i have an attractive androgynous wile that draws the eyes of both men and women. guys look at my face, my legs when i expose them and like it. girls look at my striking and wise eyes when i look at them without inhibitions, my strong walk, my independence, the flair i use when simply opening a door for myself and get both embarrassed and flustered when i acknowledge and smile at their staring and even wink at them.

haha. i'm a monster. it's so delicious to flirt with a pretty woman! why can't more guys do it the correct way and stop pissing me off?

waggle your eyebrows at me after i look at you and look away. don't stare at me when my back is purposefully turned to you and will me with your mind to turn around and face you via telekinesis. don't honk your horn at me unless you're in a well-kept antique car and wearing a top hat with a cigar hanging out of your mouth. don't yell at me "Hey, girl.." don't start "whispering" about me to your boyfriends to travel with. don't don't don't. blow out your cigar smoke in my direction, smile. wink at me and don't expect me to do anything back. have a commanding presence and something to talk about other than your money and gaudy accessories. wear suits, not baggy denim shit. Oversized tees paying homage to legends are OK. hip, urban jargon sucks. call me "Miss" and "Lady."

im dropping out of university! NOT.

NOSY FUCKER. AS IF. I'M NOT LEAVING UNIVERSITY IF IT KILLS ME FIRST. but do continue.
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i'm one of those people who agree and say that "Everyone isn't cut out to do the college thing.." because everyone is NOT. College is just one of those [great] things in life that's destined to not be in at least someone's reality. and after lending a hand, actually both of them , and a comb and some rollers, i can conclude that i'm not cut out for some things, as well. i am NOT going to be good at doing hair. i've had my own hair for all of my life and i can't even part it correctly. turns out that i've been using the wrong part of the comb in the absolutely wrong way.. damn.

and you know what? it feels nice to say that i fail at hair aesthetics with confidence. because i friggin DO and saying it just means that i'm still figuring things out about myself. hell, i suck at hair and prolly alot more stuff if i fully give myself enough time to develop a more full knowledge of all that i can REALLY suck at!

and being in a relationship for a relationship's sake is something i suck at--something i refuse to do with everything inside of me. and me being the goofy, almost preteen teenybopper studying an *Nsync poster that i am when it comes to matters of the heart, makes it difficult for me to not compromise and do that. what i am doing, the example of my life, Quirkyalone.net has put into the title of a book, Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics. well, whaddya know?

i don't feel badly about my decision, about my reasoning and logic. it gives me such a dynamic and meaningful journey to go on. and this isn't the type of journey i'm undertaking because of duty, because it is cool, because i have twists in my hair and because i would look cool doing this and it will build my "status" in someone else's world. haha, i'm still a smartass. no, this is something full of real substance that hopefully i can understand in time, or at least learn to appreciate and traverse with grace while my hair looks like the mop that it does.

aw, man. i just saw Garden State again two nights ago. i LOVE that movie. maybe because braff's character is figuring out is own life while he is off his antidepressants. i know how THAT goes! someone who has a house, please let's have a movie night in my honor while we watch a weird one that actually MEANS something! there has to be more meaning these days!

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, but adieu.

court, anyone. and not just from this. i'm living a BAD lifetime movie. it's funny, really. a tad scary.

animal attraction quiz.

I took the "animal attraction" quiz on gURL.com
		my animal dating style is... odd bowerbird Some of your friends think you've flown the coop because you're an odd bird who is constantly challenging the commonly accepted rules of relationships. You don't believe in silly notions like who's-supposed-to-ask-out-who and you probably find traditional gender roles to be tres passe. Read more... What's your animal attraction dating style?