"God Bless the Night"

A poem of mine, dug up from my dusty portfolio. I've been inspired to share. Penned in 2008:

"God Bless the Night"
God bless the night
when even our own bodies fail ourselves
And we sleep sick lovers

And dead dreamers

Ended in our fancies

And when each heart is mocked

By its warmth.

Blood may be ruddy and florid

But to see it is to die a little.
--Cheniece S. S.

i read nic sheff. or whatever.

(a very pretty) nic sheff enthusiast.

i TOTALLY got the bookstore job. Books A Million is awesome! and they let me rent books by all of my favorite authors for free. i am way too pleased to display evidence of my appreciation for all things nic sheff. can't wait to give Tweak a rest and tear through We All Fall Down (well, i actually can't tear it; it's supposed to remain in sell able condition--although i'll more than likely end up purchasing it.). i love you, nic sheff! you are a Beautiful Boy and one of my favorite contemporary authors (and at such an age!)! Congratulations from a similar. Love yourself and keep pouring it out into your progress. i'm becoming like his unofficial promoter...

nic sheff, mon semblable, mon frere!

life.com

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff. you have quickly become one of my admired authors. one of my heroes so swiftly. your memoire had me swooning when i wasn't cringing. you are a literary young man--i hope i do not insult you by noting that you regard my allusion to Mr. T. S. Elliott, however i may have misspelled his iconic name.

i am unapologetic in my signature practice of the utilization of absent capitalizations and arcane spellings. and obsessions with anything worthy. anything beautiful.

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff.
you don't blog anymore publicly. i would have been honoured to snoop some more at:

New Dawn Transmission - Nic Sheff's Journal of Recovery

you are accomplished and published. you are such, SUCH the "beautiful boy" that your father waxes on in pride, nevertheless.
can i flirt with you by saying that i am published as as well? i am a sad young literary woman? my teachers in high school all cried at my graduation (literally and quite audibly enough to ruin my picture) when i announced that i would be pursuing medical school? that i am envisioning myself to be a younger Anne Rice writing creepy semi-fictitious tales from my old hometown in Yazoo City, Mississippi -- full of its witch, ghosts, and walking-dead residents? the history, the names, the graves, the families, the locations... all are emblazoned in my brain from reality, and i'm weaving them into something that my aunt frankly claims will be a "Best-motherfruckin'-Seller!" and i'm pretty. and i'm single. and i don't think it weird of you to think of a young girl's scarred wrists as "hot". i've got scars of my own, but surely the both of of us have grown up some for our own sakes. and yeah, i admit that i know the ways of a drug seizing control of all of my body--in all too familiar of a way that you have gone into detail about in Tweak. i'm only preserving some of my modesty. and flirting. i know Effexor, Seroquel, Lexapro, Klonopin, in-patient stays, dismissals, a broken engagement to be married, despair, and the whirlwind cycle that we are always in and never taming. me for more than half of my 22 year-old life. oh, boy.

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff.
where have you gone? are you alive and well? alive as an artist. a beautiful man? it seems as f you are so imminent and transcendent at the same time, like celebrities are, like God is. but don't listen to me preach to you for one second. because, you know. you hate that sort of thing. and who said that i would be good at it anyway? 

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff.
how tall are you? who do you doubt your attractive appearance? how deep is your voice? can i touch your fun-looking hair? do you like petite, teeny-tiny, intelligent, well-read, discerning, triumphant, victorious young ladies (younger than you) with a taste for the grotesque and the existential with a load of rude adulterations thrown inside? what do you think that we could talk about? i like to imagine that we have walked a road not too far diverged. i like to think that i like boys who are as singularly unique as quirky as i am. boys who won't ever be understood no matter how many pages they pen. i like boys that i know because i know the ways of myself. and i am a Libra with merciless charms and a hopeless inclinations to romance and relations. (or, you know, an email and some correspondence)

did i mention that i am pretty? that i am an ex-Hooters Girl building my life up into something after University gilded and worthy. beauty from the ashes attributing to my stained lungs.aged enough to date you or, just post about my fanship.

ah, nic sheff. nic sheff, nic sheff, nic sheff. mon semblable, mon frere! would that we could talk.... maybe when i am published again, you could shake my hand or give me a hug. maybe i'm going to sit up a little more and wake up now. and when anyone asks me why i'm giggling for no obvious reason, i'll just click my tongue and giggle some more.

would that we could share anything. "everything."

here's hoping to a good Google ranking and your intrigue. i'm a fan. only because i know both value and worth. and isn't it the saying that goes: it takes one to know one? 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nic Sheff | Official Publisher Page

tweak by nic sheff

Nic Sheff (Nic Sheff) on Myspace

Nic Sheff / Tweak | Facebook 

Nic Sheff, David Sheff Talk About Life After Meth Addiction

Relapse a constant threat, 'Tweak' author says - CNN

Talk and Signing with Nic Sheff, bestselling author of Tweak

Amazon.com: Nic Sheff: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, Kindle

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quick note while onwards to Damascus. hiatus.

i broke up with my ex. but don't go, "Woah!" like Liz did following my Facebook update! it was a decision i gladly made, and it earned me a lot of deserved relief. turns out: i'm not a "true" Christian (even though he had no qualms with me wanting sex from him and getting it whenever i wanted it--the hypocrite), he cannot see me successfully raising any kids of his that I might have (regardless of whether i even entertained such a zany notion as getting pregnant by him! i'm 22 with no babies--i'm a pro at preventing unwanted pregnancies), AND he can't imagine a future with me because of my active disobedience to the Word of God within the Bible as the sole grounds of all morality. sounds to ME as if MY EX has a complex in which he believes HIMSELF to be the authority of all Christian morality, despite his fallen state as a sinner who is only made right in God's eyesight through the sacrifice of Jesus as Lord and Saviour. "You are not superior, you can be wrong (and ARE a hypocrite for gladly letting me fuck you into the next month whenever I felt the urge rise within me, and then go about Bible-raving), and you are NOT God Themselves in all of Their Infinite Wisdom! you don't know everything of the Word of God because it all cannot be revealed to us, and who says that YOUR WAY is THE WAY? even a "sucky" Christian like me recognizes this!

he even went so far and insulted my choice in Christian Living literature (i can't win for losing, and all my efforts to seek God are STILL sucky and inferior in my ex's eyes)! he says that there is a serious flaw to Joyce Meyer's teachings, which is why the Christian bookstore uptown doesn't carry any of her published works. PLUS, he won't even stand within a 3-foot radius of anything relating to "New Age" or "New Thought" because it is against God. that's funny, because every New Age book i've purchased talks extensively about how good and powerful God is. in fact, the popular book, The Secret quotes Jesus extensively to support its content! no goat heads and devil horns ANYWHERE. and in my defense, i owned my Joyce Meyer Christian Living book, Start Your New Life Today, waaaaay before I first began to research and study anything related to the "New Age/New Thought" movement. but, hey. i don't consider him as a loss. who knew that i could irrevocably lose all of my religion and salvation by reading teachings from Gandhi and Jesus (whose knowledge isn't very NEW, at ALL) all while not submitting myself to any deity or "god?" i could have sworn that God was with me the entire time that i was reading chapters on learning how to generate more positive energy and spread more Love. hmmm...

anyway, my blog/lifestream is on a HIATUS. i'm listening to my doctor in the process of continuing my progress, growth, and strength during my treatment, by taking a sabbatical of sorts. i wonder what will be revealed unto me while i am actively traveling my own, personal road to "Damascus." 


catch up with all of y'all wonderful things soon. keep me in my mind, maybe even say a little prayer for my benefit and well-being (or just for more of my smiles)! i SHALL return. i always do!

Biloxi Beach!

Me and Dad LOVE Steven Tyler!

AWWW! My Mommy rocks my socks!

!!!!__________________________________________!!!!

PLUS, while out randomly at a bookstore for my favorite type of retail therapy and to sate my one, true addiction, i spoke something into existence: i was covered in the infallible armor of my Positive Energy and High Vibrations which move and breathe immensely forceful like pure, untamed FIRE, and i confidently spoke from my Spirit, my Inner Being which knows only good and all truth and said, "Momma, something very good is going to happen today."

as I exactly visualized and intended in operation of the powerful Law of Attraction, the barista manager said that Books A Million indeed needed help in the barista as well as on the floor as a bookseller! not only this, but the store's top General Manager (the hiring manager) happened to come in, and the barista manager found him and introduced me to him! i shook both of their hands, gave them my phone number, etc. the GM was pleased with my nature of being an accomplished and avid reader, and with my well-rounded experience of work in retail, customer service, etc. he seemed to be very interested in what my (brag) padded and impressive resume could offer the needy Books A Million staff, and i complimented him on the store's high-quality customer service and pleasant experiences that i had received during the past decade, or so, during my loyal and frequent visits to that particular bookstore, and how some of the associates know me by name because i'm in there every week. i even name-dropped and confessed which employee was the one who suggested that I pay the $20 fee to become a card-carrying Millionaire's Member for the coveted and well-appreciated and frequently-applied discount (along with the sweet tote bag and other swag, coupons, etc). the manager smiled and laughed with me in the presence and under the influence of my Libran. he ACTUALLY interviewed me ON THE SPOT, right there in the manga section, and gave me the instructions to the application process and told me what to look out for inside the online assessment to make the best presentation of myself. he gave me special hints!

i called the store back today to speak with the hiring manager. i called him by his name, and called me by my own in a very friendly, warm, and familiar fashion because he immediately remembered the pleasant first impression he gained from me. i alerted him that i had completed both available applications online, attached my resumé, and submitted them both. he then said that he would set up an interview for Monday or Tuesday, and that he would accordingly call me and be in contact with me then. HOW EXCITING!!!! 

i spoke something good into existence; i wasn't particular. i only had complete confidence and faith that such a thing would indeed occur. and THEN i get offered the very coveted job of my dreams by what appears to be "random chance!" but i know that i manifested by working the powerful Law of Attraction in my favor. i'm keeping my fingers crossed and praying that i land this position. the managers were very clear about their need for help, so it's quite possible that the job could be mine! i can already imagine: me, surrounded by books, talking about books, touching books, selling books, promoting books, suggesting books, books, BOOKS--and getting paid for this "labour!"

keep your own fingers crossed and say a prayer for me, wherever you are whenever you can! 


Big Love Your Ways -- xoxo

to be, to be!

Magic -- sxc.hu

i've got my wretched Lady Days. a friend of mine of any length unfortunately knows that i always readily divulge such details. and quite regularly, i am not surprised at how my friends eagerly share with me and our other friends that they, too, are similarly afflicted. kind of like that time when we all talked about our vaginas. that's right, You! i didn't forget! we share stories about us crying, yelling, being gassy, and just plain ole acting like a bitch to anyone within a yard's radius of us. we should all count it as luck to be separated from one another via monitor screen and such at times.

i've been a bloated mess, but i feel unusually inspired to play around in my digitally-created world. i've been catching up with all of you, smiling at your stories, laughing at your pictures... i swear it's been something painful as missing a best friend.

so, "To be, or not to be?" as with the question of Hamlet's inaction. i am being active in today. Kotex has done a lovely job with their marketing of products. at the store from which i was purchasing them, the cashier forgot to ring me up for my tampons and liners, she left them at the back of the belt. the man in line behind me pointed it out to my cashier, and she apologized, but i would have none of it. i had forgotten my things also! i laughed it off heartily saying that i was ready to pay for them at her convenience; and besides, they surely didn't belong to the man behind me! the whole line laughed, and my positive mood was catching like flu.

right now, i'm listening to my Pandora station. it's full of Placebo (of course, you know me), Muse, Interpol, Depeche Mode, Massive Attack, etc. it's divine. and that "bit" older man in the picture in the last post happens to love my taste in music--and just about everything. "I don't mean to rush things here, BUT we should totally get married tomorrow and have babies--just saying..." his words. haha, but God knows i'd never blindly step into ANOTHER proposal again. and by the way, last year's Valentine's Day, i found myself at the end of an engagement to a man whom i childishly loved with EVERYTHING inside of myself. and this year, the day right after Valentine's Day, i find myself on a hot date with a man who says that he sees "another engagement happening." oh, my! i do not lie when i remark on how marvelously "must-have" i am. and haven't i told you that before?

ah, Pandora has just played "Obstacle 1" by Interpol. just, YES. my hair is silky straight and shiny. and i have managed a few, long, blonde streaks into my natural bob. i'm excited for my date tomorrow. i hate to date myself unnecessarily. but the man is a 30 year old who has taught at the same junior high and high schools that my brothers went to. and he's best friends with my high school Calculus teacher's husband. this is both weird and not. 30 is not too old for me. indeed, i still have a pair of shiny, black pumps hiding over a 28 year old Doctor B's apartment over in River City after i left them one weekend. ah, i'm bad!

while i'm still fueled with my vitamins, better diet, less smoking, and new medicines from my doctor, i'll resume catching up with all of you, my lovely dolls. and if you've noticed that i haven't been by to check on you in a while, it might be because i have an incorrect link, or don't have one at all. "Follow" my blog and be sure that your profile is linked to a current, active link to you. or comment below to fill me in. i am ever amazed at my growing Followers list and your lovely, encouraging reviews of appreciation. peek them at the top right in the sidebar. and, of course, i can't wait to meet some more of my friends to have a blast with! i'll be right here for y'all. with glitter confetti and poetry. make my day, and watch me make yours.

"Goodnight, sweet ladies, goodnight." i think that this is Shakespeare also--Hamlet, even. Ophelia? or maybe it is from Romeo and Juliet. hmmm.

*and have you peeped my most recent addition to my viewer content? (most recently added is my very massive and extended, self-help gift of an article for you, "Being Happy, Feeling Good -- Going from Clinical Depression to Having the Midas Touch in Your Regal Life!" originally Premium Content, i gladly decided to offer it freely!)*

i miss y'all!!! KIM, LIZ, ESTERA, ALL!!! xoxo
and from what i've been reading, some of y'all have had some very envy-inducing Valentine's Days! Lucky Ones! i'm jealous :-D 
glitter confetti and love poems,

i haven't been to a pub in a while, i'm proud to say. i'm pleased to say that karaoke was HILARIOUS and i danced with some hot man. a hot man who is really good friends with my high school calculus AB teacher's husband. yeah, he's a bit older. yeah, and i told him about the time that i threatened that teacher t bleed all over myself and the seats if she didn't allow me to the bathroom when i wanted to and not a millisecond later (and threw a pen in her direction). i was such a saucy thing. and getting dressed for the night was an affair. my little fitted dress enhanced all of the nice parts (look at my boobs!), and while getting gas and smoking a cigarette, an old trucker whistled at me and asked me if my legs ALWAYS looked that good and if i had a man friend anywhere. "No, I don't have the time to give to one."

i might have had a bit too much apple cider flavored drink and serenaded my date with "Otherside" by the Chili Peppers. i liked putting my arms around his neck, and he put them there a lot too. he tickled my back with his finger. he liked my straight hair, but mentioned that he is a fan of very beautiful naturally textured hair. i teased him at a "kiss," and then i couldn't deny myself any longer and we made out (and made everyone around us uncomfortable) with smooching, biting, etc.. you know how I do it!

i drove home, under the limit of course. and i had wonderful dreams that i'll never tell anyone about.

books and dreams.

Authors Nic and David Sheff. SO much love to Nic!

hello, sweet loves of mine, sweet children of mine--Guns N Roses style, for all you rockstars.
how have things been going in your respective adventures? i sense a lag among some of you. it might be explained away with exams, or family dynamics, or environmental conditions, or just being remiss in being the awesome blogger friend of mine that you truly are.

i've been taking a passionate stance in achieving my well-being. my doctor is hilarious, in that he told me that my bed was supposed to be used for sleeping and for sex only--and THEN he fist-bumped with me! haha! my new medicines are giving me some deserved relief. i feel like i can become an even better woman than i was before, and quite easily the greatest woman alive. you can't stop me. i still have to beat men off with a stick and tell them that i'm married. the truth is that i have absolutely no room or desire to give a man a significant part in my life right now. i would just fail him, and i don't like hearing some stupid male whining to me, when i'm taking care of ME. silly little boys. this is truly the first time in my life during which i have placed romantic relationships at the very back of my mind. guess who's growing up?

and i've been having weird dreams. i dreamed that I slept with Nic Sheff, the author of the book Tweak, which is phenomenal. the dream was pretty sweet too ;-) last month it was Ryan Jennings from The Real World N.O. any more of this, and i'll run out of sheets! and speaking of the gorgeous and inspirational author Nic Sheff, i just purchased his dad's book covering his parental distress at having a son who's an addict, and it's sublime. David Sheff's Beautiful Boy is great! the dad is also really hot too. very good genes, apparently.

when i'm published soon, i would like to have a hot author husband. Nic Sheff, Christopher Rice?..

• "New Dawn Transmission" -- Nic's discontinued blog surrounding his journey of recovery. kind of disappointed that he quit... *pouts* his writing style is immediately intimate and aggressively engaging. his debut novel is an impressive submission that i find as a joy to introduce to my bookcase of motley jewels.  
• Tweak by Nic Sheff -- his debut project. i'm a fan of it. considered a young adult book despite its graphic honesty. Nic's book is written to shock and entertain while enlightening onlookers. it also warms hearts and consoles those who feel overwhelmingly alone in facing their demons of chemical dependency, mental illness, and habitual bad decisions. it engenders relief and hope among those who are too often regarded as being "lost," or even a figurative "casualty." 
• Beautiful Boy by David Sheff -- the perspective of Nic's father, David, during the season in Nic's life that was largely affected by his drug usage. i've only just bought it yesterday (after wanting to get my hands on it for about 2 months now), so i unfortunately cannot add more flowery commentary to my review. i will say that the father's submission also engenders a well-needed sense of relief and hope from those lives affected by addiction, whether directly or indirectly. also has some great statistical, chemical, and psychological commentary included and supported by his personal and direct experiences in researching.

Nic has self-image concerns, but i think that he is SUCH a beautiful man! his eyes and mouth are lovely. and after viewing some videos of some random speaking affairs of his, i think that he is absolutely passionate and loyal to those he loves. he admitted to obsessively telling people that he loved them on accident. how adorable! and he has a round and full upbringing that has made him a wise and content adult; he is quite mature. Nic Sheff knows the value of practicality, has killer taste in music, and enjoys capital-L Literature. why aren't more men made like this at home?

perving: nocturnal emission.

i LOVE Google. i just do. Mate Kamaras looks like my theatrical blonde vampire husband from my smutty romantic musical fantasies. and, yeah--he does resemble my ex fiance. so he's ALL my type. i am equally distracted by his pants in the front and by his pants in the back. i'd ask Santa to put him under my Christmas tree, but i'd settle for any pine tree, or oak. or just about anywhere.


gotta love Rocky Horror tunes. i'm just a sweet transvestite! again: pants in the front, pants in the back. he might be gay as a maypole and a three-dollar bill, but he's still male, which is all it takes for me to perve. and he's wiggling his ass. please, God, LET HIM.


mmmmm... wait, i have to actually DO things and be involved in shit today? what is this that you speak of, this "being productive?"

HUGE TALENT; i like.

 that being said, he should totally play as Lestat in a movie or musical, or the like. he's beautiful. and he better not encounter me in a dark alley. i'm voted "Most Likely to be Arrested for Rape" among my friends.

rampage of appreciation.

i am SO happy that my MiMaw is home from the hospital! i am so happy that her party today involved so much good food. i am so happy that i ate cake until my tooth hurt, not that it takes much for that to happen. i am so happy that my puppy rode in the car with me today.

i am so happy that i effing finished writing the Prologue to my book! woo! it's a nice feeling to stick with something this time. i've been writing a number of spheres for years. but now that i'm becoming a Big Girl, i'm getting better at getting my desires to take shape into my life. SO proud of myself. i have earned a whole lot more good things to come my way--and they WILL (because i said so, damnit)!

i like that i'm such a force to behold. i like that my brother's girlfriend invited me to read her blog. i like that people take the time to let me know when they appreciate me. i like being able to say how much i appreciate someone else (you guys). i like cursing for shock value. i just like cursing for no reason at all usually. i like the friends that i've made who have mental illness. i like having friends who can never judge me about the "flaw" in me that i cannot help. i like not being a prisoner to anything. i like the relationship i have with my mother. i like my doctor (most of the time)! i like writing pages and pages and pages easily with not an ounce of coffee and calling in my "Prologue," when in fact, it's longer than some actual chapters. i like being motivated to do things. i like following my inspiration to do something and watching it unfold magnificently. it HAS to.

returning with smiles.

i nearly forgot how absolutely good it feels to post here among my friends--both the old bitches and the new ones.
i got a check in the mail recently from one of my friends who makes it useless for me to have enemies. he owed me a bunch of money in parking tickets when i left my car in his care for a weekend. haha! he's such an asshole and wrote out the check in both of my names :)

Pay To: Cheniece "Cherry" Smith

 

i've been getting a lot of positive feedback from people. especially about my January 4th post on Mental Illness--namely Depression. i got a "love letter" from a guy! how cool is that? i don't have his permission to share it, so i'll try to respect him as much as possible while i do this:

"Thank you for your Jan.4 post about depression. I have been struggling

with depression and ocd since I was 13. Now I am 35 - have a family

and a job, but it is a lifelong struggle. I thought you made Some

excellent observations. On a second note, you are very beautiful and

lively. Looking at your eyes is a pleasurable as reading your content.

My blog is at ___________.blogspot.com. - don't be frightened by the

one pic of me (I was "Joker" for halloween)" -- An Awesome Guy

"OH, that makes me so happy to get positive feedback! that made me smile so big--PLUS, i'm glad that you liked my observations [and my eyes, apparently :) ] i can't wait to dive into your blog... nice Joker face, by the way! "Why So Serious????" -- Myself to Awesome Guy

this sort of thing makes me feel so good.
i have a party to go to now. can you imagine me riding around with balloons AND a dog in my car? it happened. i have to be off. catch up soon. xoxo

ciao,

not nearly dead.

i'm not dead, my loves--my doves.
rather, i've been a little human, and have fallen to being completely dull and uninspired.

until now that is!
breakups cannot stop me! car wrecks have not killed me! even having cramps will only slow me down for a couple of days... i'm immensely powerful!
and i'm busier now that i've taken the time to work on my book. imagine this: excuses to travel to Yazoo City for sight-seeing disguised as "research." easy $60 in gas last week already.

i'll be back and better than before, as goes the way with progression. give it time. i'm giving Myself time... "One heartbeat, at a time."

can't wait to catch up with you all via your respective blogs and such. be expecting a load of love and comments coming from me in your direction over the next couple of days (or so).

xoxo

positively pulling...

ohmygosh! 

i keep eyeing my Followers gadget in my sidebar to the right, and i get startled and SO thrilled each time i find myself welcoming and reading the latest posts by another new friend of mine! it feels so good to make the friends that i have always wanted to make. it is so lovely for the things of my desires to be drawn unto me effortlessly... thank you, to all of my Loves--my followers. Liz, Kim, Jayla, Cass, etc (don't you dare fight each other, you are listed in no particular order). you truly are the raddest people on the planet. and thank you to the Universe for moving things into place for my benefit and for the benefit of those in my life! i get a kick out of just looking around and witnessing my magickal, positive vibrations rubbing off and transferring themselves to my friends and making big moves in the name of Love, Power, and Magick.

stick with me, and who knows what we may accomplish!

sxc.hu

i fell in love with some prose penned by one of my blogger friends, Jayla, just today. i know that i'm supposed to be waiting for her consent to share her work, but i can't fight my urge to let it flow from her, to me, and to you:

"Burst" by Jayla

I feel like I'm going to burst, because I need you

I'm not sure who you are, but I need to know soon

The waiting can't get any longer, and the temptations grow stronger each day.

Why can't they understand that I am no longer a baby, but a young woman with true feelings.

I feel like I will burst any minute, I am so filled with love, yet no one to share it with.

And when I am finally able to release that love, I don't think I'll be able to stop.

isn't that just so nice to read? it feels like being at the brink of falling upon the greatest adventure of her life so far! this hobbit does indeed go on adventures, and she could not be afraid of old, white-haired wizards coming to her door with mischief up their long sleeves. i'm a huge nerd, yes. i can completely envision Bilbo Baggins' round, little green door to his home, with a golden doorknob directly in its centre... i can photographically recall blocks of my favorite literature from memory at the appropriate moments. it is one of my quirks that i absolutely LOVE! hmmm... watching LOTR, or re-reading some of the trilogy, should be added to my agenda today. i feel inspired to get that done!

and i got the best Thank You email, ever, just yesterday from an amazing blogger whom i know in real life after i gave some of my most loving and helpful advice to her:

oh my word! I don’t even know where to begin!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! for the links, the advice, and especially the Love. Your email sat a smile on my face and a joy in my heart that nearly kept me awake all night. I’m violently eager to swan-dive into all these opportunities and even more to offer my wares to you.

So thank you for opening the door! And for your elaborate research into this Law of Attraction and other keys to Divinity. Your investigations are always so thorough and your zeal is sincere. I can totally tell!

that's Ka...--oops! i mean, Estera Star for you people! and she's quite the progressive and entertaining webmistress herself. she has a load of projects that she currently manages, and they're just great!

haha! i'm giggling because this post has taken up its own agenda and become an introduction/meet-up of sorts of my coolest friends. but it's bursting with good feelings pulling more good feelings unto itself. this is all that matters, really. it's the point of anything worthwhile. we all really only should be focusing on feeling our best so that we can then fully come into being our best.

"Through your ability to think and feel, you have dominion over all Creation." -- Neville Goddard, New Thought Author

my holiday present to you.

i'm quite resourceful, and i'm always full of brilliant news to share with my friends. i'm so thrilled about this one--i might have outdone myself here! this is even an unimaginable very-much-desired gift for myself! i hope that any of you can find enjoyment from it (and if you can understand its worth, you surely can, and WILL)!


i'm a Deliberate Creator: i design my life. you've heard me say it that life is not happening to me, but FOLLOWING me. i study and follow the Law of Attraction and work to manifest my own desires into my life for the joy of it. Advice to Deliberate Creators is a book being shared across the Web among fellow seekers, and even those just beginning to take the trip inside to this personal, magickal world. i refer to the practice of this substance in excess, and there are innumerable references sprinkled throughout my posts. but i have not gone about explicitly teaching and outlining this precious and beneficial approach to enjoying life like never before. this book seems to be a handy jewel of an inspirational tool and resource full of advice to remember when anyone goes about the work of manifestation via the Law of Attraction.

in other words, perfect the art of manifesting and getting exactly what you want to be, do, and have in your life through this ancient Universal Law! read this book, take notes, and study how to get your Loves to rendezvous with you as mine do with me! i'm definitely beginning to read it now. it's a wonderful, free resource, and i very much recommend it being a beginning step towards making magick with your own life. do look into it and let me know all of the wonderful things that you create and manifest for yourself!

• here's a "Sneak Peek" at some of the treasures waiting freely within for you to indulge in:

1. Notice when you feel good and realize the more you appreciate those moments the more they will occur. 

2. See what it takes to make yourself feel good again and learn to do that more and more and easier and easier. 

3. Not feeling good can mean so many good things. Let go of those moments softly and gently, they are there to teach. 

4. The universe is fully intent on you, loves you and supports you right or wrong (if there is wrong). Think of it as an intimate friend that grants wishes. 

5. You will change; go through stages-because of this. Immerse yourself in loving yourself unconditionally and be with those who also love you no matter what.  

-- Brian

• read/get/download it (freely!) HERE! Happy Holidays! go ahead and share it yourself; keep the positive energy cycling!

sources: The Good Vibe Blog

affirmations upon the new year!

a positivity card of mine--full of affirmations!

look at my card of affirmations (and commentary on HBO's True Blood series if you get closer and squint)! these are the strongest statements resonating of my growth thus far. indeed, they are quite important to me and fun to remind myself of! i knew all of these things already, and right now, i'm always only going about remembering these fantastic truths which make me a damned-near superhero. 

hmmm... if i were a superhero, who would i be? some sick little part of my mind jumps immediately to supervillain, and immediately assumes the role of Harley Quinn, Joker's (excuse me, Mistah J's) hench wench with the awful accent and jester costume. heh, good girls go to Heaven, and bad girls go everywhere!

and, let me not neglect to say,

"Happy New Year, People!"

do you have a kiss this year? i do ;-) if you don't, i'll send one your way! *smooch* two-thousand-and-eleven is two-thousand-and-heaven; it's our BEST year to date! it goes on! it goes up from here! and that's a promise.

young heart & blue eyes, free tonight!

MERCY! i love looking at me some pretty blue eyes and pink lips! think my date liked this?

GLAMOURBOMB! 

it's about TIME and time again for this Momma (wait, i don't have any babies--just a bad, bad puppy, thank God) to start having fun like before: after the most serious breakup of my life thus far, and being uncomfortably busy with school, work, and plain ole being responsible in general, i've been so wound up in things that don't feel like a Saturday afternoon massage, if you can understand me. so i put on my discounted, purple little Wet Seal dress, slapped on some mark. makeup (that i used to sell! okay, i just bought it all for myself) with my best skill, and fit on my newest wig for a night out at a restaurant sitting across from a 6 foot plus tall blonde Adonis from Baton Rouge, LA. he is so hot! and so charming! but i didn't kiss him; i restrained myself from assaulting the unsuspecting older man. he's got a few years (and several, several inches,and a Master's Degree) on me, and the chemistry was unbeatable. thick to the point of nearly being visible. i couldn't have penned something better in story. i am so thrilled and excited to see how the Universe can work with my desires surrounding this! i hope i have a reason to get back on the NuvaRing! condoms are not my preferred method. shhh!

pretty woman, for sure!

ahhh, maybe we'll ride four wheelers in the mud in Forest next time. or see a movie and have wine upstairs by a fire at his house... oh, YEAH-- he insisted on a next time. did i already explain that he is a very smart man? i'm done bragging for now. but feeling good with high energy is the way to get the Universe moving with you in your desired direction, so i'll go crow to some family members now. my mommy is already down my back asking for every detail. she's so adorable. i love her more than most anything and she's the best friend i've ever had--PLUS, she gave me some super high-quality genes with Dad's help. this is the best type of inheritance, if you ask my opinion. i always tell beautiful women just how beautiful that i think that they are, and i got my fair share of returned compliments just tonight, boy!

will i be single for my new adventures too?

i don't care if any of my exes are kicking themselves (which they are). i don't care about any other woman. i'm simply pumping gallons of energy into my own fairytale of a life and riding all good feelings as far as they can take me. this is all about me. because if i'm not the absolutely best woman that i can be, then i'm absolutely no good to anyone, or anything else! if i put so much energy into loving myself first and feeling my best, then everything else deliciously falls into place: i won't need to find anything extraneous to take the place of being personally grounded. even when i have been heartbroken or depressed in the past, i've never been a girl to rebound into some condition out of desperation. i've stayed single for years. i didn't carry around with me a fear of missing out on something. because, you know what? i've got it all already. and other people can sense that, and then the correct, deserving people will enter into my sphere and rendezvous with me appropriately. in example: Larry, Andrew, Antonio... they're all GONE. vamoose! seriously, with this high of excitement, joy, and giddyness, i am mentally sending each evil, all-wrong ex of mine to Hell. each enemy of mine can have her fill of hating me while i offer them no energy (except in sending them to Hell and declaring just how much that i don't need them--they need ME to hate and fill the void in THEIR lives!). i am high-fiving myself! i am thanking my mother for taking hot pictures of me and giving me the best tested and tried first date advice! i am thanking Cosmo magazine for their tip on pairing a sexy party dress with a cropped biker jacket! i am thanking my job for allowing me to make awesome tip money enough to buy the glamorous, new wig that i am donning! i am thanking the Waffle House on I55 North for being short of servers and scoring me (or, actually one of my brothers who need the money more) an invitation to apply for the job tomorrow at 7! DAMN! do you want some of this magic that i have earned and created for myself?! i am mentally sending it out in waves in YOUR direction, if you so desire to smile as infectiously large as i am on tonight!

and he ended our tryst with a big, lovely hug and a "You smell SO good!" and a "If we're being candid, you have a lovely, lovely smile. You are now etched in my thoughts... for better or worse. Hopefully better." now, that's what i'm talkin 'bout! 

my friends, i am back. i cannot wait to catch back up with all of you. and you better have some good news for me to celebrate with you about! see you then, my loves. 

Big Love your way, 

respite after good news and vampires.

i trust that the holidays are enjoyable for all of us. i just know that they are the most fun ever to be had. i'm talking West Beach Inn in Atlanta, GA type of fun perhaps!

i Love having and keeping my lovely, not-so-little lifestream here! i get so much joy from maintaining it! dot.tk is truly a jewel of a resource; i'll never pay for an expensive dot.com when what i have is free, co.cc and the like are free, and dot.info's are so much less expensive and just as good as dot.com. and i LOVE that there is a True Blood marathon running on HBO right now; i swear, Momma hasn't heard anything that i've been telling her since it began, even after i bought her a book that she had been wanting for a while today! but i can understand. this is one contemporary vampiric sphere who's take i actually don't detest. i am quite enthralled really. and it doesn't hurt that the filming has been done here in Mississippi--and that Bill is gorgeous!

i have a date on the 30th with a gorgeous older man with a Master's Degree: he's tall, blonde, has wide shoulders, large forearms, big hands, amazing blue eyes, and a great pink mouth, and a rugged handsomeness about him. and he's old-fashioned, yet cultured and refined, and a completely interesting gentleman. wow! i'm so good at giving away compliments! i should give some to myself more frequently. and i've come a very long way from the boys that i used to give my time to. i'll only say that they left too much to be desired, and that as a grown woman, i am enjoying the company of all of my established, male friends. i've even dated a 28 year-old Doctor from "River City" for a while! i laugh when i think about what i have left behind in the dust, and i laugh some more when i daydream about what i am arriving upon with every new day. i Love my Life! and who wouldn't?!

and it seems that i have made some people uncomfortable, angry, embarrassed, or unsettled from what i've been posting. and i never needed the proof, but it is blatantly confirmed that i am absolutely doing many, many things correctly. that i am. thank you for reminding me and proving it for yourself after your own experimentations born from your own so "precious" resources donated in my direction. and it justly has no emotional resonance within me. my hit counter is to blame--but then again, it cannot track what was not there to be read and counted. c'est la vie. there has to be a sense of openness adopted by someone who enters the Web. if there's anything to hide, or password-protect, or mollify, then keep away. i've got nothing to hide. in fact, i feel like i'm the best prepared student at a Show and Tell session. i'm always only bragging/crowing about my magickal life all of the time. 

i'm missing True Blood right now! i've just GOT to get back to it! between the show, my desktop wallpaper, and remnants from my imminent PM meditation, i'm going to have sweet dreams. and speaking of sweet, i feel like i'm getting closer to actually quitting smoking! switching to an unattractive flavour really has turned me off (somewhat). i'll keep track of my progress with that.

no dis-ease of mine.

i really don't like to deal with jealous people. i don't like people who try and fail to manipulate my emotional health. i don't like sneaky people. i don't like hypocrites. and that's why i'm making this post--so i know exactly what type of person i don't want to be associated with. 

click to clearly see ip address, dates, destinations, and frequency
of recent visits from my dear and long-time persistent stalker friend.

i had originally intended this here lifestream of mine to remain, not private, but un-announced and very low-key. in fact, when i was designing an old header image for here, a FaceBook friend asked me for the link to my current project. i refused to share it, because i wasn't interested in outside attention because it had absolutely no significance in my life journey. i wasn't adverse to the idea of it being seen, or else i would have privatized it. but the fact remains, that if i had been seeking attention from the person who asked, or from anyone, then i would have given out my URL. but i didn't.

i logged into my counter service and found that not only was i getting popular, but i had an anonymous visitor from Belhaven University. this is very close to home, and it's also the university where the FaceBook user who asked me for my link goes to. could it be that they did some super snooping and research behind my back to look at my blog? it would be pretty hard to do, since i didn't even have my blog listed anywhere and not even linked on my profile then! i've obviously laughed about it and gone more public now, since then. this particular person used to stalk my previous blogging activities for a load of sad reasons, including to make sure that her boyfriend wasn't anywhere in my life. anytime he WAS there (and it was quite often that he decided to be), it was because he chose to. so, simply, she wasn't being satisfied at home by her man in some areas, and had to spend her time being worried about me. what a "life." NO ONE has a more significant place in my life than myself. there are no special place-holders. but i had a big place in this girl's life. and i still might, if it's her who was snooping. she sadly admitted to fear of losing her man to me, and also a sick fascination with trying to "be" me and to "top" me. this just proves to Myself how amazing that i really am. i must be, if others want my life! but this is my job, and my job only. not accepting applications. jealousy to the point of emulation is a disease. and it's something that this poor, poor soul has failed to resolve within herself.

i didn't assume what is probably true, and i commented on her blog asking about it. the comment was deleted. i asked her about it on FaceBook and got no response. i even posted this picture onto her wall, and now there is a privacy block in place. and her blog is private now. are all of these actions stemming from shame at being found out? is there a reluctance to accept her actions? i can't be bothered by it. i don't regret bringing any of it up, especially since my wishes were so obviously disregarded about a project that is in my possession. it's my right to show concern about my things if want to.

it's sad to see people not changing. it's pleasing to see how much more Well that i am when compared to them. everyone can say that it is correct to indulge so much in your OWN life, that you have no desire to be worried about the next person, but it takes a mature, strong adult to actually walk the walk. i would like to think that after all of the suffering that this person has miserably endured, that they would get the idea that their tactics do NOT work, and that they need to change already. what a tragedy.

thank you, Universe:

• i don't have a baby.
• i dumped the lousiest ex in the world.
• i don't use drugs to escape from my life because reality is too painful to face.
• i don't keep secrets or do things in the dark.
• i'm not obsessed with something outside of myself.
• nothing has a higher place in my life than myself.
• i'm not a huge hypocrite. 
• i don't have an insignificant significant other. 
• that i dumped my Stalker's husband because he wasn't man enough, and I'm absolutely thrilled to have done so.
• he begged to stay with me, would sneak and call me while his girlfriend was in class, and cry on the phone with me while he told me the sad secrets of his life. and it has absolutely no emotional resonance within me now. 
• i don't have to fist fight my lover because i'm miserable in my conditions. 
• my life is not a big joke to me everywhere i turn.
• my "husband" never talked about kicking me and his baby out on the street. and i still manage to stay by his side.
• I HAVE GOTTEN OVER THE PAST A LONG TIME AGO.

it must suck so much for your life to play out in refrain of the most painful part of your past life--day in and day out with no escape. i'm so happy that i'm not imprisoned in my past! i'm so happy that this is True and that i don't have to fake like it is, or cloud it over with drugs! i am so thankful for contrasting experiences to aid me in further knowing what it is that i DO want. i'm so thankful for such people as described above to be in my life, so i can use their mistakes and interaction to co-create an even better experience for myself. their only purpose is to help me to better visualize the life that i want and to achieve it.

i have gotten over the past a long time ago. i have triumphed through it all. if you can't be sure, just look at my life. look at what it is saying. how does your life speak of you? other people can always see it. let that always be on your mind. let it be something that's worth thinking about (or being obsessed about, like my life is).

happy bday bro-of-mine love!

this isn't the server who made us laugh. FINE--it is.

my "little" bro turned 21 today. the fam (including my other little bro's friend-turned-relative) celebrated at an asian buffet place. the food was excellent; i gorged myself on sweet rolls dipped in drawn butter (i get so tired of eating food from my job). Mom asked our server what this particular restaurant did as to special procedure for birthday tables (note that i didn't say "if")--and our server was obviously not communicating on even the same plane as us--because she said "Yeah," very unenthusiastically and quite un-surely, and walked off to tend to another table.

i laughed at the same time as my mother was literally bursting into tears from her laughter. we asked the server a third time, and she excitedly answered us saying Oh, I know what you mean now! Yes, yes! She and the other servers came back after an extended time with an improvised cookie cake with jello and a candle miraculously stuck and holding in place in the center. the Birthday Song, which was voiced by persons sounding as if they were all under the age of 9 years of age, was played over the restaurant's speakers, and onlooking guests from other tables around looked on us as we all laughed at the insanity and took photos for blackmail purposes:

GOTCHA! Dare you to make me angry now!

other things that happened that night:

• i hurt my tooth severely after biting into a lobster roll that has bits of beef bone ground into it.
• two younger persons were getting it on in the restrooms when one of my party members had to go inside.
• it took 20 minutes for someone to actually even understand our request for our television's channel to be changed--not to change our actual remote control--after a gentleman gave it up after watching his team lose.

i tipped the server because i originally was going to head straight home after work for sleeping, but i honestly had more fun and laughs out with mah peoples. AND because i had someone act unkind towards me today, and i counteracted the experience with my giving. AND i went to the Boos-A-Million efficiently located too closely to resist the tempting promises within--and i purchased absolutely nothing. the working associates (who all know me by name), were SHOCKED. i was too, frankly. saving is becoming so easy to accomplish--and i don't even have a goal in mind immediately. i wonder what the Universe is trying to bless me with very soon...

lagniappe: this is the most romantic song that i've heard in a long while. heard while driving around today. all-in-all, today has been filled with Magic in the Mundane. and it only gets better, of course.

TiLT! [edited]

*now fixed for commenting!*

it's time for another lovely Things I Love Thursday! there is so much to pack into this list that i won't even try to fit in everything. i'll save some for friday. and saturday. and everyday because there's plenty to go around the entire week. woot, woot!

 

• my hair. i'm wearing my real hair now, which is amazingly long. i'm always surprised to see how far down my back it is when i remove the extensions.
• my blogger friends. i'm actually becoming quite fond of all of you bitches for some reason. y'all are just so great and pretty and fun! i just want to have a big party and bake cinnamon rolls for you while we watch Sons of Anarchy!
• my new commenting system. i hope that it isn't giving you any trouble. i know that typing in your email address is a chore, but Disqus allows for threading, which is just so cool! that means real replies instead of the @person convention! if you're interested in switching, go ahead and ask me about the experience.
  
• the fact that i can wear boots and a coat over my sundresses to winterize them. somebody's going to be cute, cute, cute tomorrow! do you do this already and does it make you feel extra feminine?
  
• one of my teachers joke flirting with me. while i was taking an exam. "You look different today [my freshly blown-out hair]! What are you doing later?" haha! you silly man!
  
• Andrew's grandmother sewing me a pink pillow! i really love her and all of my second family so much.
  
• my new, hot pink bra with a bell in the middle. you can hear me suspiciously jingling around corners... where is that coming from?
• and this new sex position that my old man and i have come up with. extra nice! excuse me for this isolated and candid emission.

anyone else who participates in Things I Love Thursday, link back to your own lists, or just tell me something nice! and it's almost the weekend! i hope everyone has some fun plans [or just some good sleep] lined up!

ciao!

be the change, now change your sheets!

how exciting was yesterday?! even if we all can't agree on politics [which i love], you have to agree that the President's speech just gave you little butterflies of [i can't find a better word] Hope all in your belly, if you cared to listen to it. it was relieving and gave me good feelings all day. not to mention, i imagined how hungover my boyfriend was in D.C. that day, which made me laugh. what did yesterday do to you? i've already read some posts, but surely there's more. did you cry? did you care? did you drink too much and walk around in D.C. hungover before your performance like someone's man?

i have a cold. don't ask me how i went from recovering from my fever to catching a cold. my roomie just had a fever, so now i'm dousing the apartment in Lysol. i fell asleep one night with my vibrator running and woke up--and it still was on! i could have burned my clitoris off! what would my doctor have said?

and this is funny. absolutely funny:
---------------------
Heavily Tripping

Andy tripped along rapturously. He was on his way to meet his lover, Cherry, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a clown hopping along, carrying a box of wine in its mouth.

Andy was almost by the balls when he came across a horny cake, lying alone on a soap-scented plate. "That must be a treat from my peppery bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked chunky, so he ate it.

It gave him the most with abandon tingling sensation in his ass. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Cherry.
When Cherry came out to meet him, she took one look and fell over.
"What is it?" Andy cried covertly.
"Your collar bone! And your inside of the elbow!" Cherry said. "They're intense! Can't you feel it?"
Andy felt his collar bone and his inside of the elbow. They were indeed quite intense. "Oh, no!" Andy said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that horny cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"
"I didn't leave you any cake," Cherry said. "I got you a coffee mug. It must have been that vagina-oriented man who lives nearby. He acts a little morbidly, ever since he pat a hair pin."
"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Andy sobbed.
"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Cherry said speedily, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your collar bone is really luminous like that."
"Really?" Andy dried her tears. Andy kissed Cherry and it was an entirely green sensation, like rats in a cornfield.

They spent the night having entirely green sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.
Everything was rather awkward after that.
---------------------
and before you ask: NO, i'm not any crazier than usual. i went here to create this drabble! it's fun!

and pictures! The Slut Hut! or my apartment. still decorating and organizing.